.

Wow, I forgot I still had to update this thing with all the shit that has been going on. Well, let's start by saying that me and Felicia talked about the issues posted on my last entry and we came to the conclusion that we love each other and when emotions run high due to daily stress or what not we should take a step back and analyze everything before we say (or post) things we will later regret. We hardly every argue or fight so I don't want this to become a habit. Everything is beyond good now and I plan to keep it that way.

Ok, moving right along to Xmas. It was cool. We had to rush right before Xmas to finish our shopping. We were actually late arriving at my mom's house because at 8 pm we were still wrapping gifts. When we arrived though there was nobody there yet. LOL. But later everybody arrived. I was sooooo glad that Shirley and Johnny (Felicia's mom and stepfather) showed up. They are the coolest. Johnny was tearing up the baked ham and the fixin's. LOL. The food was excellent and everything went great (I will post a list of gifts at the bottom). The following day we were supposed to go to her dad's Xmas breakfast reunion thing but we missed it cuz I was sooooo hung over (beer and tequila... YAY!) I was not able to be there in time. We made it in the afternoon though and we were there for a few hours. Then we jetted over to her mom's for the Xmas dinner. It was cool. Throughout the whole day though, Sharmeen and her three spawns were yelling, jumping, screaming, crying and annoying everybody in general. By the end of the day I was ready to smack one of those kids.... LOL. The baby loves them though and they love her too. I can tell she has a blast when she's around them but I am afraid Michael is a little too rough for her sometimes. Saturday and Sunday we just relaxed and didn't do much. We enjoyed our gifts and spent time alone in the house.

Many things happened that I am sure I'm forgetting so if I remember later I will post them. I had off from work from Wed the 24th until Sun the 28th. This week I have off from Wed the 31st until Sun the 4th!!! ISN'T BEING LAZY THE BEST?????!!!! Also, today, Steve Kaay, our VP of operations told us we would receive a bonus according to our seniority. I've been here about 6 months so I only got $350. Not bad... We would have gotten $1000 but according to him and Cliff, the owner of the company, we didn't meet our company sales goal for this year so we don't get $1000 (as if we could prove that we had met the goal even if we had). But, I am just glad I have my $350, well probably like $300 after taxes... but a much needed $300.

So, after the holidays me and Felicia (as well as my mom and my brother I hear) are flat broke. We have like less than $20 in our bank account. This sucks.... LOL.... but it was a lot of fun. We still have no plans for new years but I don't think I'd be able to hang out with my family because they usually go out to some bar or club and I can't cuz of little Fabianna and Felicia being 8 months pregnant (or so). But I don't mind, I don't mind spending it with my family. I love them very much. Well, I think that's pretty much it for now. Following is a list of gifts we received (or at least what I can remember):

Fabianna:

• A push toy with big plastic shapes


• A big ball that plays a bunch of nursery rhyme songs


• A baby doll with attachments


• A bucket with huge Lego-like blocks


• A plastic tricycle


• and other things....but I forget

Felicia:

• 2 $50 gift certificates to Carolina Place Mall


• A $75 gift card to JC Penney


• A box of gourmet chocolates (and they are the best I've had in a while


• An electronic organizer (kinda like a cheaper version of a palmpilot)


• A set of towels (actually, they gave that to the both of us)


• and other things.... but again, I forget.

Javier (me!):

• A surround sound system


• A DVD/VCR combo player


• A seat cover massager thingy


• Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell for the PS2


• A pair of leather gloves


• A $75 gift card to JC Penney


• and other stuff...

We also made it an effort to give every single person something... Including the people like Sharmeen and Phyl who just refuse to buy anything for anyone but gleefully open their shit... LOL!!. All in all, it was a great Xmas well spent with family members on both sides of our family. I hope New Year's is as cool.

Today, either purposely or not, Felicia hurt me deeply and I have not been able to shake it off yet. Me and James went out last night and I got home late and yes, drunk. She was up and we talked for a few minutes. She didn't let me know if anything was wrong or acted different. Today I read her blog and in it she accused me, AGAIN, of being an out of control alcoholic, a negligent husband and father. When I read it, I couldn't believe it. I would put my hands on fire for her, I try my best to give her and the baby everything they want and need. I treat her with the utmost respect and dignity. She is my world and my reason to exist... I was at a complete loss. I know, for a fact I am not an alcoholic. I drink once per week on Fridays and from time to time I might drink during the week. But never regularly much less daily. I take care of my child and provide her with everything she needs.. I spent time with both of them, I help feed and (sometimes, especially if she has no poop) change her. I stay up with Felicia as late as needed to help her with the baby when she is restless. I play with her and take care of her. I put her to sleep at night bouncing with her on my shoulders to help her get sleepy with an unbearable pain in my lower back due to the bouncing. I spend a lot of time with Felicia. I take her where she wants to. Most weekends we spend it in gay ass women's stores, the mall and shit like that cuz I know that's what she loves. So I do it! I give her everything she wants, I am not afraid to tell her "I love you" or show her my affection in public (in good taste of course). I do everything I can to please and satisfy her... but this is obviously not enough. This is obviously futile and meaningless to her. This is no significance in our lives and I am a fucking out of control alcoholic! I am a fucking negligent spouse and father.... In my wife's eyes...that is all I am..... and it hurts, it really, really hurts. If I was those things, I wouldn't care that she accuses me of that. If I really was I would tell her that I know what I am and she should deal with it. Maybe I should become all those things. That way, if I am going to carry that stigma, I can at least enjoy the pleasure of being an irresponsible, negligent, out of control alcoholic. Maybe that's what I should become... I don't know... I'm fucking confused, hurt, disappointed and I cannot shake it. I cannot get it out of my mind. I do not know what to do to make her happy... Maybe I should just cut ties with he entire world and dedicate my whole existence, every single, living, breathing moment to be by her side. Maybe I should become a hermit and we shouldn't leave the house for anything but the absolute necessary.... That's how her father's family lives anyway... why should she be any different right? Ok, I'm going to stop because now I am getting dangerously close to retaliating and talking shit about her on my blog just outof anger and disappointment and that is the last thing I want to do. When I went home for lunch today she asked me if I was going out today. I simply told her no because one nasty post about me per day in her blog is all I could take. She said the post was not nasty. I told her she called me an out of control alcholic and all that....silence.... then I grabbed the baby and walked in the room. The post is gone now, she erased it... as if that is going to change what happened.

For the first time in my life, I do not look forward to leaving my job and get out. I don't know what to say or do.... I don't want to blow up or be mean... I just don't know what to do....

I hate this.

I forgot to do the Friday Five last Friday:

1. List your five favorite beverages.
Guinness, Sam Adams, Coke, Kiwi Strawberry Snapple and Yoohoo.
Honorary mention Starbuck's double shot expresso and cream


2. List your five favorite websites.
Don't have any, they change almost every week. But for the most visited, check the sidebar.


3. List your five favorite snack foods.
Whatchamacallit, Gushers, Snickers, Doritos and Cheetos Puffs.


4. List your five favorite board and/or card games.
Chess, Monopoly, Scrabble, UNO and Pictionary.


5. List your five favorite computer and/or game system games.
Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty, Tenchu:Wrath of Heaven, Ms. Pac-Man and a tie between Isketch and InkLink since they practically the same game.

Today Takesha told me she was quitting next Wednesday the 31st because she got a job with another company where Melanie was employed. Apparently, Takesha is the third former GCS employee to succumb to Melanie's new company (I'm not gonna mention the name cuz I don't wanna lose my job like that guy in the blogger main page). That sucks though, although we constantly fought and argued, I liked having Takesha around. She was funny and down to earth... kinda touchy at times, but cool nonetheless. So, now I have to find a new friend. Juan Carlos, this new "chilango",*^{SEE BOTTOM FOR DEFINITION} is cool and all but he works day shift. So does James, the other Mexican dude I trained with. Khali has almost my schedule but we don't talk that much anymore. Craig gets on my nerves and Cindy is too religious for my own good. Damn it! This sucks... I am such a loser.

Today, me, James and Serg are gonna go out to hang out. It's cool cuz in the 8 or so months I've known him, James never wants to go out. So hopefully this will be cool. That is all for today.






*"referred specifically to Mexico City inhabitants. People from Mexico's provinces use it as an insult denoting a lazy, tricky, cheating person from the big city. Seen on bumper stickers: "Haz Patria, Mata Un Chilango" (Make Mexico great, kill a Chilango)."

Wow...Sunday and I am at work. I have been here since 9:17 am. I should have arrived at 9 am, but it was inhumanly impossible for me to get out of bed this morning. LOL. I don't even remember the last time I worked on a Sunday much less the last time I woke up before 11 am on a Sunday...haha. Well, but hopefully it will be worth it cuz not only will I get OT pay for working half of Khali's shift. But, since I worked for Khali today, she will work for me the day after Xmas. Which means next week I will only work Monday and Tuesday and have the next five days off from Thursday to Sunday. FIVE DAYS!!! HOOOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooo freaking sleepy though. I can barely keep my eyes open and concentrate on what I am doing. Fortunately is really slow and I have time to day dream and space out for long periods of time....LOL.

Yesterday me and Felicia completed most of our Xmas shopping. We still haven't totaled the damage but I think we did pretty good in budgeting ourselves. Today, she will finish shopping for the rest of the family and two family friends that we just learned are also coming to our house on Xmas. I get out of here at 3 pm so hopefully by then she will be finished cuz I don't feel like dealing with stores today.

Today I read my friend Charlotte's last post on her blog. She said she's happy with her life and does not need to vent out her frustration or allowing every yahoo on the internet to see her problems online. I am happy that she is happy but it sucks she won't update her journal anymore. We haven't talked in months but someone I don't think that's coincidence. Well, if you read this and we never speak again, It was a pleasure meeting you Char! (Well, "meeting" in the online sense, lol)

I guess that's it for right now, I was browsing other blogs and I found this great picture in one of them. I will link it for now and then I will upload it to my own server. ^{(So the owner of the blog:Please don't get pissed at me!).}


Funny, isn't it?

I am sooooo fucking pissed off. All week I've felt like I've been taking a hell of a lot more calls than the rest of the people near me at work. It was a hunch, but I noticed that Takesha, Cindy, Dyane and other had time to sit and chat and walk around and do this and that.... I, on the other hand, was swamped with calls. One after the other... all day long. Today I decided to see what's up. I told Takesha to go available on her phone, about 15 seconds later I went available too and we looked on the computer where the Symposyum software is monitored (software for the telephones). Sally, Chrissy and a bunch of others were on idle up to 7 minutes (Idle means waiting for a call). So, the way Symposyum works is: A call comes in through our server and whomever is in idle the longest receives that call, of course, given the fact that the person in idle has the skillset in which the call came in activated and given a certain priority. The higher the priority on said skillset the faster you get that call. For example, if me and Takesha are both in skillset "International calls", "Spanish calls" and "Normal call", but Takesha's skillset for "Spanish call" is 2 or 3 and mine is 1, even if she has been idle for 20 minutes and I only for a few seconds, I will get the call because I have a higher priority in the skillset for Spanish calls. Does that makes sense? Anyway, as far as I am concerned I am supposed to have every skillset set to the same priority as everyone else here with the exception of the "Spanish" skillset. So that means, that if Takesha, Sally, Chrissy or whomever are in idle and a regular English call comes in, whomever has been idle the longest gets the call. Ok, so back to my story, we noticed that other people where in idle for up to 7 minutes and Takesha had become available 15 seconds before I did. So, about a minute, one fucking minute, after we became available, I get a regular call. Takesha, Sally, Chrissy and everyone else who have been idle much longer than I, don't get shit. I... WAS... PISSED! That's when I realized that all week someone had fucked up my skillsets and the fact that I was getting more calls than anyone else was NOT a figment of my fucking imagination.

Then, to top it all off, Takesha starts giving me shit about. She gets this whole attitude where I'm supposed to shut the fuck up and deal with it. She made it seem as if I didn't wanna do my fucking job and just slack off. She had me so pissed. A couple of days ago she pissed me off for the same fucking reason. Cuz I brought it up on an email that I sent her, and I guess she thought I was attacking her and accusing her of not doing enough or slacking off or whatever... which I wasn't. But whatever. I feel better now that I let it out. I reported the situation to Shirley, one of the supervisors and she will tell Brian, my supervisor. So I will see what happens on Monday.

OH, I almost forgot, on Wednesday, some guy named Aaron got fired for calling a caller a bitch and hanging up on them...that sucks...the guy wasn't the friendliest...so I don't know. The guy just had a kid too. That must suck, losing your job when you just had a kid.... Oh, wait....I went through the same thing... IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!! LOL....

that's it, Friday night and ready to go drink...lol....bye

As soon as I walked into work today I got into a weird.... I don't know what to call it...debacle... I guess, with Takesha. It's weird how people can say the tiniest most insignificant thing and without realizing it, cause some sort of reaction on someone else. After a few minutes of going back and forth, me trying to prove my point and her trying to blow me off, we just decided to change the subject. Takesha I noticed is not open at all to have a normal conversation about things she and the other person disagree on. Or maybe she just thinks that I am not smart or good enough to hold these conversations with her because we don't share the same faith. Anyway...we're cool though, I like her and I didn't want us to get in an argument cuz she's practically the only friend I have at work...LOL.

Felicia finally started her own blog. I am happy for her because this blog, if it has served no other purpose (which I'm sure it hasn't) it has helped me in a therapeutic way to vent my anger, frustration and a bunch of other negative adjectives I used to bottle up inside. Maybe it will help her too in this manner.
I love my baby.

Last night I won a stupid $5 gift certificate to Port City Java at work for having over 95% call documentation. Which only means I vouched for every call I took. It sucks though, I have horrible luck. This incentive has been ongoing for at least a month now...this is the first time I've won anything. I get a ticket everyday, and each tickets stays in the raffle permanently until it is pulled. I have over 15 tickets and all I get is a fucking $5 gift certificate to a coffee house?!?!? LOL... Takesha won two movie tickets..twice. Dyane and Craig won a free day off WITH PAY! and Sally (another co-worker) won a big ass 25" color fucking TV!!! AND I GET A FUCKING $5 DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO A COFEE HOUSE????!!!.
Life sucks ....lol.

Today they also had me train a new bilingual communications specialist. His name is Juan and he's an older dude. He's pretty cool though, he's from Mexico too. He's fucking smart..the guy speaks Spanish, English, Italian and French! I have no idea why the Fuck he's wasting his time in this dump. But you know, whatever..it's his choice. I have pictures of the bean and stuff in my cubicle and he asked me about the bean and all. He's alright...made the day a little less monotonous. I don't know if I have to train him tomorrow though.

Finally, today, I read this story:

Baby-killer gets eight years jail
By Lorna Knowles
December 12, 2003

BABY Jordan had his tiny toes crushed one by one, was hit so hard his bottom teeth went through the roof of his mouth, and was subjected to repeated punches to the stomach.


Jailed: Christopher Hoerler (top) and his victim baby Jordan


The seven-month-old's torture and suffering ended only when he choked to death on his own vomit.

Yesterday the man responsible for the brutal killing of the baby boy was sentenced to a minimum term of just eight years and three months. With time already served, Christopher Hoerler could be free in January 2010, at the age of 32.

Hoerler, 26, repeatedly denied involvement in the gruesome killing, but in July, at the end of the Crown case in his murder trial, decided to plead guilty to the lesser charge of manslaughter.

Even then, he would not accept full responsibility for the heinous attack -“ he told a psychiatrist that Jordan's mother, Louise Anderson, asked him to hit the child twice because he was crying.

Jordan died in the Housing Commission home Hoerler shared with the baby's mother, Louise Anderson, at Ashmont, Wagga Wagga, in the early hours of February 25, 2000.

The trial had been told that nobody heard Jordan scream during the attack because it was believed the first punch to his jaw, which drove his bottom teeth into the roof of his mouth, knocked him unconscious.

His extensive facial injuries and fractured ribs suggested he had been dragged face down over carpet or a sofa and punched hard in the abdomen.

Hoerler then set about crushing Jordan's little toes -one by one- with a fan clamp.

During sentence proceedings yesterday, Crown prosecutor Virginia Lydiard told the Supreme Court she could not think of a worse case of manslaughter and called for the maximum sentence of 25 years to be imposed.

But Acting Justice Jeffrey Miles sentenced Hoerler to a maximum 11 years in jail with a minimum term of eight years and three months. He said that to impose any more was "far beyond the range of sentences established by past sentencing practice in this court in recent years".

Sentences of less than 25 years were imposed for murder and it would be "entirely against the tradition and history of the criminal law" to treat a murder as less serious than manslaughter, except in exceptional circumstances, he said.

When the sentence was announced, Jordan's uncle Darcy Smith yelled, "scumbag" at Hoerler. Outside court, Mr Smith said the family was bitterly disappointed.

"Today is a very dark day for justice in Australia," he said. "He's a dead-set animal. Anyone who can take a human life is a dead-set animal full stop, let alone a seven-month-old baby that can't scream, can't cry out for anyone, can't call for help-it's defenseless".

The Daily Telegraph


Once I was done reading, I realized that I was shaking in anger and I could not contain my tears. I realized that I was actually crying. I cannot begin to fathom what kind of animal, what kind of beast or inhuman hyena would do something this horrible to a poor defenseless baby. What kind of demon would bring himself or herself to these measures. Why does God (if there is one) allows shit like this to happen to anybody? Can you imagine the suffering that poor angel experience before his untimely death? Is he able to feel the pain and the immense uncontrollable and unexplainable fear this poor baby felt as he was being beaten, abused and desecrated to death? Do these bastards realize that they are destroying the most beautiful thing in the world? Why does shit like this have to happen? How are we as humans capable of such monstrosities? And why, do we as humans, judge acts such as this in a court house? Why are these wastes of skin trialed fairly? Why are they shown mercy, unlike they did to their defenseless victims? Why are they given the opportunity to get off on technicalities or lies in our judicial system? Why do we not show the same monstrous, unholy, miserable, rabid rage to them while desecrating their existence in the same manner they did to this poor baby....In a slow, painful, agonizing and unbearable manner. If I had some time alone with this person, nobody...NO FUCKING BODY! NOT EVEN THE ALMIGHTY HIMSELF WOULD BE ABLE TO STOP ME FROM SKINNING HIM ALIVE AND MAKE HIM SUFFER FOR THE REST OF HIS PATHETIC, MISERABLE AND UNDESERVING LIFE!

fuck...I'm crying again........

Sorry, as I was saying... I don't know why I was so aggravated at work today. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I now I have to put in a lot of OT and not get compensated for it because I will only be making up the time I lost on Monday. But I lost it at the end... I was getting loudly and visibly upset and frustrated. I rarely openly get upset at work. It's not my style... but today, I just couldn't handle it. When I logged off the telephone there was 10 people waiting to speak with one of us...I was like, fuck this...I'm not taking anymore calls...lol.

After work we went to my mom's house where my mom had bought a cool cake for Felicia's birthday. We sat and we ate some cake...(that shit was good too!) and it was cool. OH...before work ended though, Dyane told me that Johnson C. Smith University which is a black college would allow me to attend their university for free because I am a non-black minority. I have never heard of this but this could be the opportunity I have been waiting for to return to school. I will let you know what happens with this.

Today I got my computer microphone in the mail. I got it by filling out surveys on line. I just installed it and it works perfectly...I am loving my new computer! I guess that's all for today. I leave you with the Wednesday Whatevers

Wednesday Whatevers

1. Do you think the capture of Saddam Hussein will be basically the end of our Iraqi problems, or may lead to more? Explain.
No, I think it may lead to more... I don't know why though, I don't watch the news.

2. How do you make boring situations (i.e.: parties) more interesting?
I leave or stop doing whatever is boring me

3. Do you believe in the relative or absolute truth?
I believe in lying only

This promises to be a long entry...

Ok, first things first. Thank you Ju for helping me with my overlapping problem. Your suggestion told me exactly where to look and I was able to solve the problem. Again, Thank you.

Ok, I am still somewhat sick. I still have a runny nose and a lot of coughing but at least the pain when I cough and the sore throat are gone. So, that makes me feel good. The baby is almost completely cured. She only has a little cough and that's it. Felicia never got sick, so she's ok...lol.

Remember how I told you guys about being out on Monday and having to make up all those hours. Well, I had planned to arrive a minimum of one hour early to work each day and work through my lunch. I must have drank too much DayQuil last night but today I was mad because I arrived late to work. I arrived at 12:08 pm. That meant that not only did I not arrive at work on time, but I was actually 8 minutes late. About an hour into my shift, I look at the clock on my computer and it said 11:58 am. I was like what the fuck?!?! So, I asked Takesha the time and it was 11:58 am. That's when I realized I had arrived to work an hour early but everything was so hectic I didn't even realize it. So, I got to make up one hour and be on time....lol.

Today is Felicia's birthday. We are completely broke until I get paid on Friday. So, since I knew I wasn't gonna be able to buy her anything. I called my mom earlier today and told her to buy a cake and when me and Felicia go pick up the baby from her house today, we will have a small celebration with her. My dumbass forgot to tell her that it was going to be a surprise. Felicia and I had lunch together today and I made sure I didn't screw up and let her know we were giving her a little cake later that night. Well, after she dropped me off at work, she went to my mom's house to drop of the baby. My mom did not hide the cake and she saw it. So, now she knows and the surprise is spoiled! THAT SUCKED!!! But oh, well...it's the thought that counts I guess. It really sucks being broke, our lack of money takes me back to when I was growing up and my family was broke as hell in Mexico. It's not a good feeling but fortunately I know our situation is temporary. Felicia will be able to return to her job soon and we can live the good life again. Felicia also started a new blog. She has not typed anything on it yet. I helped her set it up yesterday. She has this dude named Antonio Sabato Jr. on her blog. She loves this dude, one of those model/actor wannabes. I will post a link to her blog when she starts using it.

Worked sucked today. We were slammed with work. I was so aggravated at the end of the day I was ready to walk out. But, you know...can't afford to do that. LOL. I am tired of typing...I will finish tomorrow or something.

The baby is doing better, we bought her some over the counter medicine and she is almost all better now. But, now...I AM SICK!!! I hate being sick. I woke up Saturday night around 4 am and noticed my throat was bothering me...since then it has only gotten worse...now I have a really sore throat, runny nose and painful coughing. I already went through a bottle of DayQuil (which doesn't do shit but taste nasty). Yesterday I left early from work cuz I was soooo sick I couldn't handle it. The cool thing was that right before I left, Brian gave me a $100 gift certificate for Firebirds Rocky Mountain Grill. So, as a thank you type thing because she has helped me and Felicia infinitely with the baby and economically, we decided to invite my mom to eat with the gift certificate. Felicia, my mom, Ricky and I went to the place and we ate some good ass steaks and lobster dip and all types of good food.

Today I am still sick as a dog but I have to stay at work and suck it up cuz I can't afford to miss any more work. Money is tight as it is. Now I have to make up the 6+ hours I missed yesterday by coming in an hour or two early each day. I don't mind so much but I am kinda lazy. LOL. I don't know what it is about work, but it makes the day go by soooooo slow. When I am not at work, the days go by so fast. The weekend went by in the blink of an eye but now that I am at work, it feels like the day is never going to end. This sucks.

We're finally getting ready to do our Xmas shopping. We finally made a list and we know what we're getting each person. Sadly, I know what Ricky and Serg got me cuz Ricky screwed up and walked into the room I was in my mom's house with my present in his hands...LOL. It's cool though, I am getting a cool surround sound for my entertainment center. It is kick ass! With Felicia's family we're having more problems because everybody made a big stink about not having money for gifts and shit.. Felicia had suggested to both sides of her family to draw names on each side and only give gifts to the person who's name we drew. That way we would still give presents and save money. Well, a bunch of them had a big stink about it, some didn't like the idea, other didn't want to get ANYBODY anything and other just didn't care much for it. On her dad's side, they said they're just not gonna get anybody anything. ISN'T THAT SWELL?!?!? Well, the kids are getting stuff, but still. Me and Felicia decided we would get everybody a little something, even if it's from the Dollar Tree. We don't want to be like that, we enjoy giving people we love things on Xmas, it's part of the tradition..it's the though that counts right? I can't stand people who say they don't like Xmas or Xmas presents or the whole thing. You know why? cuz they've had it all their fucking pathetic lives....they don't know what it's like when you have nothing, they've never had a welfare Xmas. If they did, they would love this shit!

I still don't know what to get felicia for Xmas and tomorrow is her Bday. I have no money and no idea what to get her. Maybe I can do something at home for her Bday tomorrow. Like a little dinner or something....what do you guys think? I am gonna call my moms and ask for a suggestion.

Well, I am stuck at work, I am sick, I am bored and I wanna go home. It's pretty early and I already took my lunch (big mistake). So, I will see what else develops today.

Does anybody know how I can bring my posts down a little bit. They overlap with that banner at the top of the page and I want to fix it. If you can give me any help, would greatly appreciate it. Thanks you.

I got this post on my comments board about a so called "blog traffic" page. The address is www.bloglink.cjb.net. Anyway, I couldn't make any sense of the page because apparently whomever trainload it from whatever language it was originally in to English did not do a very good job. Anyway, check it out, if you can figure it out, let me know. LOL.

Today I went X-mas shopping with my mom and Felicia...and the bean of course. Due to our monetary problems, me and Felicia have a very limited amount of gifts we can get. I will only mention that I got the baby this cool Elmo mini couch that turns into a little mini bed. It is soo cool. The bean loves it and she sat on it at the store for a long time.

Nothing else happened today...my life is dull...

Ok, I like the way my new template is working out... I will tweak it a little more as I go along. I did lost all my visitor comments when I changed my template. But the systems is back up now.

So, the baby has bee sick for the past few days. She has a runny nose, coughing, sneezing and she's really fussy. We have gotten hardly any sleep in the past few days. Last night she woke up around 2 am and didn't go to sleep till almost 7 am. Then, she woke right back up at 10:30 am. Dude, I am sooooo fucking tired. So is Felicia. Today though,she woke up and the runny nose is almost gone. She started coughing when she first woke up but has practically fully stopped now. She's running around the house all wired now...so hopefully that's a sign that she's on her way to getting better. Motherfucker Serg scared the shit out of me on Friday. He told me about this flu outbreak all over. He told me several babies had already died from it and it was dangerous. I was scared shitless... But then I remember that he can be a bit of a paranoic freak himself and Felicia sorta brought me back to reality...LOL.

I have to work on Sunday the 21^st I have to work for Khali, one of my co-workers (and drinking buddy). The only reason I mention it is because it falls on a Sunday and I have to be there at 9 am. SUNDAY!! AT 9 AM!!!! WTF was I thinking??? LOL...but that's ok cuz she is working for me the day after Xmas which is cool because I will have the day before Xmas, Xmas Day and the day after Xmas and the two weekend days off...THAT'S A GRAND TOTAL OF 5 DAYS OFF (for the mathematically impaired). So it will be worth it. Takesha wants me to work her shift on Tuesday the 16^th because she has to go on an "elevation" mission (inside joke). On Wednesday or Thursday (can't remember exactly what day), Travis, one of the new supervisors walked out of the job. LOL...how bad is the company now that supervisors are walking out. It's almost as bad as TWC right before I left. By now, Dina (who still works in that shithole) told that two supervisor have taken a volunteer demotion to regular CSR's....ain't that some shit. She also said that several employees are suing the company for wrongful termination. Maybe they should call us and make a report...LOL.

Here are yesterday's Friday Five.

1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays?
HELL YEAH! The colder the berry the sweeter the juice...or something. I hate hot weather...holidays or not.


2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect?
With my wife and my baby and my family. Before, I would have said in a cool club or bar with friends...but now, I like it with my family.


3. Do you do have any holiday traditions?
Mostly Mexican and American traditions fused such as posadas, Xmas caroling, tamales and cooked ham, presents, Xmas trees, los tres reyes magos and Santa Clause.


4. Do you do anything to help the needy?
Sadly, no... I wish I had the motivation to get off my lazy ass and do it. But honestly I just don't do it out of laziness. Isn't that horrible?


5. What one gift would you like for yourself?
motivation


That's it for now....

Ok, sorry but I lost all my links and previous posts....I do have the posts backup and will link everything else later. I hope you guys like the new design...I know it's morbid, but I like morbid things. I will keep working on it over the weekend. Bye...

AS YOU CAN WE, I AM UNDER SOME HEAVY ASS RECONSTRUCTION. COME BACK LATER. NOOCHES!

Today at work, Steve, the director of my department told me that he was putting me and another bilingual specialist (my friend James) in charge of all International and Spanish calls and reports. I am hoping that's a good thing because we don't get that many International or Spanish calls per day. So, hopefully this will assist me in my quest of getting paid without doing a goddamn thing around the office but surf the net and talk with my co-workers. The cool thing about it is that we get calls from all over the world because we have clients all over. Places like Japan, Brazil, Mexico, Spain, India, China, France and other....dude, I hope it's gonna be awesome. One sucky thing that did happen today was that Brian, my direct supervisor, gave me a verbal warning for taking too long with a caller. LOL....I understand the reasoning behind it, the old, disabled, recently-cut-off-from-his-permanent-disability-benefits man was rambling on and on and I was not doing a goddamn thing to stop him....lol. The way we conduct our interview to find out what their ethical or compliance misconduct allegation is very intuitive and we are encouraged to get the facts and let the go as fast as possible. I was being lazy and I let the guy vent cuz he was pissed. Well, Brian was listening to my call and realized I was emailing Takesha instead of trying to make the call short. LOL...so I got a warning. It did kinda bum me out though cuz all I had been getting lately were really good reviews. A couple of days ago I got 100% on my performance review (dude, we're such automatons). But, it's ok, I learned my lesson...I want the good reviews so my job gives me more money (yeah, right!)

So, Felicia and I have been going through a lot of economic hardships (and that's an understatement). I was really depressed about it yesterday and I know that Felicia is still very depressed about it. The thing is, GCS does not pay me enough to live and support my family. I mean, we finally figured that out. The $400 dollars that her dad gives us for helping him out with the banks do not help at all (not to mention he never gives it to us in time). So, for the past two or three days I have been relentlessly looking for a job. I have applied everywhere online...This weekend I'm going to dedicate it to fax, mail and take resumes everywhere for a part time job. I am in serious need of a job to supplement my salary cuz Felicia can't work due to her pregnancy and I can't quit GCS until the new baby is born because we need the benefits for the hospital stay. I don't care where I work, I am even willing to apply to WalMart or a local grocery store if the administrative positions I applied for don't call back. I just need a part time like a crack head needs a hit!!!!

So, I added links to two blogs of two girls from Brazil that I've begun reading their blog and vice versa. They are Ju and Bricia. They are really cool. Their pages are in Portuguese but thankfully I can get the main idea of their blogs because of my Spanish. I have assured Bricia I will help her with her English if she can help me with Portuguese (especially since I'm so much into the Portuguese Punk Scene.

Tonight I didn't feel like coming to work, I've realized I always feel that way on Thursdays and Fridays. The beginning of the week is cool, but towards the end we start getting a little bummed out...LOL. Well, I guess that's all for now. Laterz.

Here are this week's Wednesday Whatevers...

Wednesday Whatevers


1. What are 3 bad things that happened to you this year?
Got a paycut when I separated from Time Warner, My back has been increasingly worsening (sometimes it hurts just when I bend down), and I owe my mom over $2000

2. How do you express yourself best?
verbally, I say what I feel... I'm very blunt (which could also be a negative thing)

3. What do you think of life after death?
I don't, it scares me...I think some things such as this and the mere word "eternity" are not meant for the human mind to comprehend. Some things are better left alone....like the moldy tuna surprise in the back of your refrigerator your mom cooked several years ago

Yesterday, I forgot to post about the way Ricky left a big ass bruised welt on my stomach. Well, none of the kids was able to break the piñata but we needed someone to break it because it was filled with candy. So we told Ricky to do it. Ricky is 15 but he's kinda strong cuz they always train them like that in his ROTC class. Anyway, I was trying to be funny when he was swinging and pulled the piñata away from him. Bear in mind that he was swinging really hard. When I did so, he missed the pñata but because of his momentum he ended up hitting with a metal broomstick across my stomach. DUDE! IT WAS BAD...lol.... At first it didn't hurst so bad, it was mostly the shock. As the night progressed, it began burning and stinging and turning red. By the following morning it was a big red welt and today is a big black and blue bruise that hurts like hell when I touch it. Felicia took a picture of how it looks, I will post it later.

Ok, so anyway, a girl from Brazil that wrote in my blog, along with several other people said I write too damn much. Which I'm sure I do...but I used this as therapy since when I go home the baby is usually getting into something relaxing and resting are not in our vocabulary any longer. So, instead of me writing less, I'm going to write small. That will give you, Oh! my faithful reader, the illusion that it's less. HEHEHE...that's something I learned from corporate America. Make people think you've given them something when in reality, all you've done is trick them.

And, since nothing else interesting happend today or yester (or at least I can't remember it), I stole this little questionaire from my friend Charlotte which by the way I have not heard from her in a long, long time....If you're still out there, let me know.



Age: 28 (but don't tell anyone else ok?)
Born On: September 25
Celebrity Crush: Katie Holmes (and many others, but she's the main one)
Dream Job: Artist
Erratic Behavior: Addicted to porn and fried chicken
Funniest Memory: "I triple dog dare you!"
Good Friend: Felicia
Height: 6'2"
Interesting Tidbit Nobody Knows: I am very spiritual (but NOT religious)
Job At the Momemt: Communications Specialist for GCS
Kindled Emotion Last Experienced: I have not idea how to respond to this
Love Interest: Felicia
Movie You Last Saw: Dogma (I love that movie, I've seen it a million times, really!)
Name: Javier
Outward Appearance You Are Looking For: The aged punkster...lol
Pet Peeve(s): people who are into themselves and rolie polies
Quote You Like: "There's not time to discriminate, just hate every mother fucker that's in your way" ~Rev. M. Manson
Reason for Completing Survey: I had nothing better to do, I missed two hours of work the other day and now I am trying to stay a little longer after work to make up the OT.
Song That is Your Favorite: Yeah right! I can't even pick a favorite artist or album...and you want me to pinpiont a song....anyway!
Television Show: Bullshit with Penn & Teller, Viva la Bam, Anything on CNN, Discovery and the Science channel...espcially if I'm high.
Underlying Phobia(s): death, dying...and weird colored elctrical tape (other than black)
Vison/Dream You Recently Had: that not so little white girls and not so little black girls did more than holding hands...
Weather You Like Best: Dante's inferno
Xtreme Outfit You Own: none
Zodiac Sign: Libra

Well, that's all kids...ABUR!

Fabianna turned 1 year old on Friday. We had a little party for her on Sunday but I will get to that later. On Friday my company held its Xmas party. Me and Felicia had planned to go since I first heard about it in November. Well, on that day, Felicia had to get her hair done. That shit took almost 5 hours! Her hair looked really nice though...I really liked it...but 5 FUCKING HOURS??? LOL....The girl who does her hair musta been stoned or something...LOL. Anyway, I get off of work at 9 pm and she was supposed to be ready by then. But she later told me that at 9:05 pm she was just leaving the hair place. She still had to get the bean from her mom's house and drive her to my mom's house (cuz she always babysits for us, THANKS MOMMY!! LOL), then drive to Pineville where we live and meet me at home. She get there after 10 pm. Then she still had to get ready. Finally we left the house at around 10:45 or so. By the time we drove to SouthPark and parked and figured out which one of the Hyatt ballrooms they had our party in, it was already a way past 11 pm. So I come in and the first person I meet is Cliff, the owner of the company, and I introduce myself and Felicia then some other people I didn't' know. It all seemed a bit weird cuz most of them were, by this time, at least a bit inebriated. Funny note, Anette, this black lady that kinda knows me from work saw Felicia and asked me "Oh, this must be your date". LOL...I said, no, she's my wife...and bugged her eyes out in shock!! LOL... I guess Mexicans can't marry Blacks without causing some type of sideshow freak like amusement or disapproval. Anyway, we finally met Brian, my super and Craig...the annoying kid I told you about a while back. They were blitz...LOL. The first thing Brian tells me is that the food is gone! We're like COME AGAIN?!. No fucking way! We were starving...I know Felcia's spirits sunk as soon as he said that....LOL...we were looking forward to the damn food. So, he gives us a bunch of drink tickets and I go get Felicia a coke and a beer for myself. Come to find out they only had nasty, water downed, american beer. BLAGH!!! They only had The Millers (Miller and Miller light), O'douls, The Buds (Bud and Bud light) and Heineken ["fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!!!"]. So, of course, I opted for the least shitty of the bunch, Heineken. We saw all the weird people drinking and attempting, but miserably failing at it, to dance. Later, I wanted another Heine but the bartender told me he was out. So I had to get a fucking Miller Light...drank about half. and told Felicia we could leave and get something to eat...LOL. So we snuck out. We ended up at Applebee's for a little while alone...it was a nice little dinner...just me and her. I missed that...

Saturday was fucking hectic. We had to get the house ready for the bean's party on Sunday. We had to bright idea of doing all, and I do mean ALL of our laundry at once so we didn't have to deal with it later. We only have one washer and dryer so we decided to go to the laundry mat. We got there at 5...we finished at almost 10:30. It is painful to even talk about it. So, because laundry took so long we didn't clean the rest of the house.

On Sunday, we started frantically cleaning the house after a while cuz first we had to go out and get some final things like some decorations and the cake amongst other little things. The party was supposed to start at 3 pm but at like 1:30 we realized we were not gonna finish in time. So, our solution, call everybody in the list and push it back an hour. JEJE...so Sharmeen, thankfully, took the been to her mother's house for a little while then she came to our house around 2:30 to help us clean up. The house was thrashed...LOL.. We barely finished. The party went really good despite all the drawbacks and last minute tweaks. The baby looked beautiful and so did Felicia. I can't believe the baby is ONE!! WOW! The only kids there were Taylor, Michael and Jonathan...Sharmeen's kids. But it was still cool...a lot of family members came. So, here's where it gets bad. You didn't think this was gonna be a happy post did you?

Ok, the first complaint is that Felicia's dad, grandmother and sibling on her dad's side didn't have the fucking decency to show up. THAT IS FUCKED UP!! There is some static between the mom's side and the dad's side...but that's not the baby's fucking fault!!! Haven't Felicia and her siblings suffered enough with their bullshit to have it trickle down to their grandkids too. That's bullshit. Felicia's mom, even though Felicia says has more resentment about the relationship put all that bullshit aside and showed up. I hate that....I hate the fact that they were not there to be with the baby. Do they realize that it's their daughter and grandaughter's first born? It's the baby's birthday. Ivan, the older brother didn't show up either. I mean, what the fuck is so important in your life that you can't dedicate one sunday to celebrate a little kid's birthday. You work for a fucking company at administrative level. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO DO ON A SUNDAY THAT IS SO IMPORTANT YOU CAN"T PUT IT OFF?!?!?! NOTHING..not a fucking thing...just being selfish. But that's ok, we always go to their little gatherings and lunches and shit....I don't plan to anymore. I resented heavily and I am going to be an immature asshole about it.

The second thing...Sharmeen, Sharmeen, Sharmeen....I love my sister in law to death. And there's very few things I wouldn't do for her and her kids. But Jesus F. Christ is she a fucking inconsiderate fuck!!!! LOL. When we're in a public place or several family members are around, she has a complete disregard for whatever it is her brats are getting into. These kids annoyed the hell out of me, Felicia, My brother and my mom, their grandmother and everybody else in the family. They are so fucking spoiled, disobedient and defiant. They were getting into things, grabbing everything, and getting into all sorts of shit. And Sharmeen you ask? Well, Sharmeen was too busy watching TV to pay attention. I guess since we were throwing the party, we are also responsible for babysitting her kids. After a while I was so close to telling her off! But I behaved and didn't say a word. You should see her in front of a TV, she's hypnotized or something...LOL. The kids fucked up our Xmas tree, the baby's pictures by jumping in them on purpose and when the baby was opening her gifts...guess who was there to take all her toys away...all three little brats!!! I know my mom was pissed cuz Sharmeen didn't do shit to stop them. Ricky, my youngest brother, told me that he even saw Michael, the worst of the bunch, push my little girl off a chair on purpose. Sharmeen and Michael better be fucking glad Ricky had enough sense of mind not to tell us when it happened cuz me and Felicia would have ripped their head off....!!! In a nice way though LOL. Then to top it off, when she was watching her movie, Urban fucking lame ass Cowboy, she didn't have a care in the world. But after she was watching that Me and Serg popped in Dogma and she apparently didn't like the movie making witty (and mostly true) remarks about Christ and shit. So she, IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, turned the vacuum cleaner on and started vacuuming around me!!! DUDE! NO WAY! I was ready to kick some ass! But again, me and Serg turned it off and went to smoke a cigarette. We came back and started the movie again. And, if she did something, we just turned it louder and louder. Until they left...then me and Serg were able to relax and drink some beer and watch Dogma....

The baby got a lot of cool gifts. Me and Felicia forgot to give ours to her that day, so we had to give them to her the following morning. We were psychologically and phsysically exhausted by the end of the day. Well, here are some pics from the party. We have a lot more, but I don't wanna overuse all my space hehe.

Today there were no Friday Five because the owner of the site didn't put the questions up. But, since I forgot to do the Wednesday Whatevers....They will have to do for now....

Wednesday Whatevers

1. How much do you typically spend during the holiday season?
waaay more than I can afford. I don't know...My family is used to giving out huge expensive gifts...so that's over $100 a pop and there's 5 of us. Felicia's family doesn't spend much in gifts. Maybe $100-$200 for her entire family

2. What do you think is a symbol of power?
Knowledge, Responsibility and Humility...yes, in that order.

3. Do you try to analyze dreams, or regard them as just dreams?
I don't necessarily analyze, dissect or ponder too deeply about them. But, when they're really sick and twisted (which is more times than not, I rarely dream or remember what I dream about... but when I do, it probably sends me back to therapy for a few years) I do wonder if they mean anything or try to relate them to something in my life. One thing that must be mentioned though is that when I get my mini-panic attacks, I do get flashbacks of dream sequences that I've had about the place I currently am during the attack. It's weird, it's like an out of body experience of sorts. But I do know, that my flashbacks are definitely of dreams. Kinda wicked huh?

Ok, this will probably have me ostracized from most of my friends and co-workers. But, as proud as you or they are of their Christianity...I am proud of my beleifs... I can't deny that this impulse to explain myself was due to a little conversation (if you can call it that) about God with Takesha. If you read this, though...it is not meant to prove anything to you...I just felt the need to explain my beliefs in my blog since I really don't talk about them with anybody.

So, (deep breath)...Here we go...

What Is an agnostic?
An agnostic thinks it impossible to know the truth in matters such as God and the future life with which Christianity and other religions are concerned. Or, if not impossible, at least impossible at the present time.

Are agnostics atheists?
No. An atheist, like a Christian, holds that we can know whether or not there is a God. The Christian holds that we can know there is a God; the atheist, that we can know there is not. The Agnostic suspends judgment, saying that there are not sufficient grounds either for affirmation or for denial. At the same time, an Agnostic may hold that the existence of God, though not impossible, is very improbable; he may even hold it so improbable that it is not worth considering in practice. In that case, he is not far removed from atheism. His attitude may be that which a careful philosopher would have towards the gods of ancient Greece. If I were asked to prove that Zeus and Poseidon and Hera and the rest of the Olympians do not exist, I should be at a loss to find conclusive arguments. An Agnostic may think the Christian God as improbable as the Olympians; in that case, he is, for practical purposes, at one with the atheists.

Since you deny `God's Law', what authority do you accept as a guide to conduct?
An Agnostic does not accept any `authority' in the sense in which religious people do. He holds that a man should think out questions of conduct for himself. Of course, he will seek to profit by the wisdom of others, but he will have to select for himself the people he is to consider wise, and he will not regard even what they say as unquestionable. He will observe that what passes as `God's law' varies from time to time. The Bible says both that a woman must not marry her deceased husband's brother, and that, in certain circumstances, she must do so. If you have the misfortune to be a childless widow with an unmarried brother-in-law, it is logically impossible for you to avoid disobeying `God's law'.

How do you know what is good and what is evil? What does an agnostic consider a sin?
The Agnostic is not quite so certain as some Christians are as to what is good and what is evil. He does not hold, as most Christians in the past held, that people who disagree with the government on abstruse points of theology ought to suffer a painful death. He is against persecution, and rather chary of moral condemnation.

As for `sin', he thinks it not a useful notion. He admits, of course, that some kinds of conduct are desirable and some undesirable, but he holds that the punishment of undesirable kinds is only to be commended when it is deterrent or reformatory, not when it is inflicted because it is thought a good thing on its own account that the wicked should suffer. It was this belief in vindictive punishment that made men accept Hell. This is part of the harm done by the notion of `sin'.

Does an agnostic do whatever he pleases?
In one sense, no; in another sense, everyone does whatever he pleases. Suppose, for example, you hate someone so much that you would like to murder him. Why do you not do so? You may reply: "Because religion tells me that murder is a sin." But as a statistical fact, agnostics are not more prone to murder than other people, in fact, rather less so. They have the same motives for abstaining from murder as other people have. Far and away the most powerful of these motives is the fear of punishment. In lawless conditions, such as a gold rush, all sorts of people will commit crimes, although in ordinary circumstances they would have been law-abiding. There is not only actual legal punishment; there is the discomfort of dreading discovery, and the loneliness of knowing that, to avoid being hated, you must wear a mask with even your closest intimates. And there is also what may be called "conscience": If you ever contemplated a murder, you would dread the horrible memory of your victim's last moments or lifeless corpse. All this, it is true, depends upon your living in a law-abiding community, but there are abundant secular reasons for creating and preserving such a community.

I said that there is another sense in which every man does as he pleases. No one but a fool indulges every impulse, but what holds a desire in check is always some other desire. A man's anti-social wishes may be restrained by a wish to please God, but they may also be restrained by a wish to please his friends, or to win the respect of his community, or to be able to contemplate himself without disgust. But if he has no such wishes, the mere abstract concepts of morality will not keep him straight.

How does an agnostic regard the Bible?
An agnostic regards the Bible exactly as enlightened clerics regard it. He does not think that it is divinely inspired; he thinks its early history legendary, and no more exactly true than that in Homer; he thinks its moral teaching sometimes good, but sometimes very bad. For example: Samuel ordered Saul, in a war, to kill not only every man, woman, and child of the enemy, but also all the sheep and cattle. Saul, however, let the sheep and the cattle live, and for this we are told to condemn him. I have never been able to admire Elisha for cursing the children who laughed at him, or to believe (what the Bible asserts) that a benevolent Deity would send two she-bears to kill the children.

How does an agnostic regard Jesus, the Virgin Birth, and the Holy Trinity?
Since an agnostic does not believe in God, he cannot think that Jesus was God. Most agnostics admire the life and moral teachings of Jesus as told in the Gospels, but not necessarily more than those of certain other men. Some would place him on a level with Buddha, some with Socrates and some with Abraham Lincoln. Nor do they think that what He said is not open to question, since they do not accept any authority as absolute.

They regard the Virgin Birth as a doctrine taken over from pagan mythology, where such births were not uncommon. (Zoroaster was said to have been born of a virgin; Ishtar, the Babylonian goddess, is called the Holy Virgin.) They cannot give credence to it, or to the doctrine of the Trinity, since neither is possible without belief in God.

Can an agnostic be a Christian?
The word "Christian" has had various different meanings at different times. Throughout most of the centuries since the time of Christ, it has meant a person who believed God and immortality and held that Christ was God. But Unitarians call themselves Christians, although they do not believe in the divinity of Christ, and many people nowadays use the word "God" in a much less precise sense than that which it used to bear. Many people who say they believe in God no longer mean a person, or a trinity of persons, but only a vague tendency or power or purpose immanent in evolution. Others, going still further, mean by "Christianity" merely a system of ethics which, since they are ignorant of history, they imagine to be characteristic of Christians only.

Does an agnostic deny that man has a soul?
This question has no precise meaning unless we are given a definition of the word "soul." I suppose what is meant is, roughly, something nonmaterial which persists throughout a person's life and even, for those who believe in immortality, throughout all future time. If this is what is meant, an agnostic is not likely to believe that man has a soul. But I must hasten to add that this does not mean that an agnostic must be a materialist. Many agnostics (including myself) are quite as doubtful of the body as they are of the soul, but this is a long story taking one into difficult metaphysics. Mind and matter alike, I should say, are only convenient symbols in discourse, not actually existing things.

Does an agnostic believe in a hereafter, in Heaven or Hell?
The question whether people survive death is one as to which evidence is possible. Psychical research and spiritualism are thought by many to supply such evidence. An agnostic, as such, does not take a view about survival unless he thinks that there is evidence one way or the other. For my part, I do not think there is any good reason to believe that we survive death, but I am open to conviction if adequate evidence should appear.

Heaven and hell are a different matter. Belief in hell is bound up with the belief that the vindictive punishment of sin is a good thing, quite independently of any reformative or deterrent effect that it may have. Hardly an agnostic believes this. As for heaven, there might conceivably someday be evidence of its existence through spiritualism, but most agnostics do not think that there is such evidence, and therefore do not believe in heaven.

Are you never afraid of God's judgment in denying Him?
Most certainly not. I also deny Zeus and Jupiter and Odin and Brahma, but this causes me no qualms. I observe that a very large portion of the human race does not believe in God and suffers no visible punishment in consequence. And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence.

How do agnostics explain the beauty and harmony of nature?
I do not understand where this "beauty" and "harmony" are supposed to be found. Throughout the animal kingdom, animals ruthlessly prey upon each other. Most of them are either cruelly killed by other animals or slowly die of hunger. For my part, I am unable to see any great beauty or harmony in the tapeworm. Let it not be said that this creature is sent as a punishment for our sins, for it is more prevalent among animals than among humans. I suppose the questioner is thinking of such things as the beauty of the starry heavens. But one should remember that stars every now and again explode and reduce everything in their neighborhood to a vague mist. Beauty, in any case, is subjective and exists only in the eye of the beholder.

How do agnostics explain miracles and other revelations of God's omnipotence?
Agnostics do not think that there is any evidence of "miracles" in the sense of happenings contrary to natural law. We know that faith healing occurs and is in no sense miraculous. As for the records of miracles, such as Joshua commanding the sun to stand still, the agnostic dismisses them as legends and points to the fact that all religions are plentifully supplied with such legends. There is just as much miraculous evidence for the Greek gods in Homer as for the Christian God in the Bible.

There have been base and cruel passions, which religion opposes. If you abandon religious principles, could mankind exist?
The existence of base and cruel passions is undeniable, but I find no evidence in history that religion has opposed these passions. On the contrary, it has sanctified them, and enabled people to indulge them without remorse. Cruel persecutions have been commoner in Christendom than anywhere else. What appears to justify persecution is dogmatic belief. Kindliness and tolerance only prevail in proportion as dogmatic belief decays. In our day, a new dogmatic religion, namely, communism, has arisen. To this, as to other systems of dogma, the agnostic is opposed. The persecuting character of present day communism is exactly like the persecuting character of Christianity in earlier centuries. In so far as Christianity has become less persecuting, this is mainly due to the work of freethinkers who have made dogmatists rather less dogmatic. If they were as dogmatic now as in former times, they would still think it right to burn heretics at the stake. The spirit of tolerance which some modern Christians regard as essentially Christian is, in fact, a product of the temper which allows doubt and is suspicious of absolute certainties. I think that anybody who surveys past history in an impartial manner will be driven to the conclusion that religion has caused more suffering than it has prevented.

What is the meaning of life to the agnostic?
I feel inclined to answer by another question: What is the meaning of `the meaning of life'? I suppose what is intended is some general purpose. I do not think that life in general has any purpose. It just happened. But individual human beings have purposes, and there is nothing in agnosticism to cause them to abandon these purposes. They cannot, of course, be certain of achieving the results at which they aim; but you would think ill of a soldier who refused to fight unless victory was certain. The person who needs religion to bolster up his own purposes is a timorous person, and I cannot think as well of him as of the man who takes his chances, while admitting that defeat is not impossible.

Does not the denial of religion mean the denial of marriage and chastity?
Here again, one must reply by another question: Does the man who asks this question believe that marriage and chastity contribute to earthly happiness here below, or does he think that, while they cause misery here below, they are to be advocated as means of getting to heaven? The man who takes the latter view will no doubt expect agnosticism to lead to a decay of what he calls virtue, but he will have to admit that what he calls virtue is not what ministers to the happiness of the human race while on earth. If, on the other hand, he takes the former view, namely, that there are terrestrial arguments in favor of marriage and chastity, he must also hold that these arguments are such as should appeal to the agnostic. Agnostics, as such, have no distinctive views about sexual morality. But most of them would admit that there are valid arguments, however, from terrestrial sources and not from supposed divine commands.

Is not faith in reason alone a dangerous creed? Is not reason imperfect and inadequate without spiritual and moral law?
No sensible man, however agnostic, has "faith in reason alone." Reason is concerned with matters of fact, some observed, some inferred. The question whether there is a future life and the question whether there is a God concern matters of fact, and the agnostic will hold that they should be investigated in the same way as the question, "Will there be an eclipse of the moon tomorrow?" But matters of fact alone are not sufficient to determine action, since they do not tell us what ends we ought to pursue. In the realm of ends, we need something other than reason. The agnostic will find his ends in his own heart and not in an external command. Let us take an illustration: Suppose you wish to travel by train from New York to Chicago; you will use reason to discover when the trains run, and a person who though that there was some faculty of insight or intuition enabling him to dispense with the timetable would be thought rather silly. But no timetable will tell him that it is wise, he will have to take account of further matters of fact; but behind all the matters of fact, there will be the ends that he thinks fitting to pursue, and these, for an agnostic as for other men, belong to a realm which is not that of reason, though it should be in no degree contrary to it. The realm I mean is that of emotion and feeling and desire.

Do you regard all religions as forms of superstition or dogma? Which of the existing religions do you most respect, and why?
All the great organized religions that have dominated large populations have involved a greater or less amount of dogma, but "religion" is a word of which the meaning is not very definite. Confucianism, for instance, might be called a religion, although it involves no dogma. And in some forms of liberal Christianity, the element of dogma is reduced to a minimum.

Of the great religions of history, I prefer Buddhism, especially in its earliest forms, because it has had the smallest element of persecution.

Communism like agnosticism opposes religion, are agnostics Communists?
Communism does not oppose religion. It merely opposes the Christian religion, just as Mohammedanism does. Communism, at least in the form advocated by the Soviet Government and the Communist Party, is a new system of dogma of a peculiarly virulent and persecuting sort. Every genuine Agnostic must therefore be opposed to it.

Do agnostics think that science and religion are impossible to reconcile?
The answer turns upon what is meant by `religion'. If it means merely a system of ethics, it can be reconciled with science. If it means a system of dogma, regarded as unquestionably true, it is incompatible with the scientific spirit, which refuses to accept matters of fact without evidence, and also holds that complete certainty is hardly ever impossible.

What kind of evidence could convince you that God exists?
I think that if I heard a voice from the sky predicting all that was going to happen to me during the next twenty-four hours, including events that would have seemed highly improbable, and if all these events then produced to happen, I might perhaps be convinced at least of the existence of some superhuman intelligence. I can imagine other evidence of the same sort which might convince me, but so far as I know, no such evidence exists.

Ok, I got paid today (HOORAY!), So I need to buy Felicia a really nice Xmas present. I really do not know what to get her. I really want it to be something really special. If anybody out there has any good ideas, run them by me...I would appreciate it greatly. Thank you.

Well, we're finally got the final guest list for the baby's party...It's all family. The only thing that I don't like about it is that there will only be four kids, that's counting Fabianna. The only other kids in the party are going to be Taylor, Michael and Jonathan. They are Sharmeen's kids. Then there's Gavin, Felicia's youngest brother who is like 10 and Ricky who is my youngest brother who is 15. Gavin and Ricky won't be able to really enjoy the party though...they're older. The rest of the people are going to be my family and her family. That's it. Oh well, but like I, and they say, the baby is too little to have an actual party with a bunch of kids anyway...maybe next year.

We also decided on the food, for the kids we're going to order a cheese pizza and for the adults we're (or Felicia and my mom rather) making potato salad and chicken salad with some sides. Nothing major. We're trying to get a small piÃña for the kids too and some games they can play. The bean is walking now, so hopefully she's be able to play with her cousins.

We are a bit worried about the weather though. We heard the cold was going to hit pretty hard. Hopefully it won't snow or sleet... although I love snow..hehe...

My back has been hurting like hell today. I already took some Tylenol and some Advil and so far, the pain will not cease. definitelyly need to go to the chiropractor as soon as possible. This sucks.

On Monday night or Tuesday night, Gene gave me a free one-year membership to Bally's!! That is cool cuz that's all the motivation I need to get off my fat ass and work out. I really need to lose weight and get in shape. I am also trying to stop smoking and eat healthier so this should help cuz the thing comes with free trainer for a few months. COOL! So, in the near future look for the new and improved moi! LOL

I think that's it for now.

Ok, so...Felicia's grandmother cooks a big Thanksgiving feast every year. I'm talking about the type you see in the movies. The big ass turkey and all the greens, mac and cheese casserole, yams, cranberry sauce and all the other soul food fixin's you can think of. Man, it is awesome! You're like in Thanksgiving heaven! Anyway, on Tuesday the 25th, Felicia's dad sends her an e-mail telling her that her grandmother didn't feel like cooking this year and the dinner was cancelled.
ON THE 25TH!!!
TWO FREAKING DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING....
SHE TELLS US.....
THERE WILL BE NO DINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, so aside from the tastebud devastation, we had to scramble to figure out what the fuck to do that day. Sharmeen, her three kids, Felicia, I and the bean didn't have a clue. Sharmeen and Felicia were kinda pissed cuz if their grandmother would have told them with enough time they could have cooked a Thanksgiving dinner themselves. Shirley, their mom, doesn't cook a big feast and my family doesn't celebrate it...cuz we're Mexicans...not Pilgrims. Anyway, so, we couldn't find anything to do...so that day we ended up at Ruby Tuesday's for Thanksgiving dinner with my family because nothing else was open. It wasn't too bad though...we had fun.

Anyway, that was not the drama...this is where the drama starts. Apparently, Felicia's granmother did cook a smaller meal but didn't invite anybody but Ivan, the older brother. For some reason, Sharmeen and the three kids ended up showing up at her grandmother's house anyway on Thanksgiving day . Well, instead of them inviting her to sit down and eat, if not for anything else but common courtesy, they told her she could drop off the kids and come back later when they were done eating to pick them up.... Talk about slap in the fucking face huh? what am I saying slap for? that was more of a slap with a huge prickly cactus leaf! LOL

Anyway, that created a lot of drama and rumors started flying about their real motives not to invite us and shit. Sharmeen did not leave the kids but did return to her mom's house and Shirley said Sharmeen looked sad and devastated. SHIT! Who wouldn't after your grandmother and your dad practically (but, OH!, so diplomatically) kicked you out of their house. Anyway, so obviously that shit got around to Sharmeen and Felicia's mother and their other grandmother who didn't like it one bit. So, it created a lot of tension between the two sides and shit. Well, that was our Thankgiving day. I am kinda glad that we spent it with my family cuz we could just relax.

Ok, other stuff happened. But I am too lazy to write it and it happened during the weekend so I guess it doesn't even matter anymmore. So....fast forward....

Today I had a bit of a panic attack, but nothing major...It just kinda crept up on me at work.

The bean's Birthday is coming up on December 5. We had originally planned to throw a big party for her but when we made the list of guests, it ended up being almost 50 people. We decided that we probably couldn't afford to feed all those people so we opted to just have a small gathering. She's only one anyway, how many of you remember anything before you were 5 anyway?! LOL. Anyway, we started buying little pink plates and decorations last week. We don't have a specific theme (again cuz like all of you, she won't be able to remember anyway..LOL) They just have girly decoration with a big #1 on them. We are going to hold the party at my house. Me might grill some burger and hot dogs for the kids and some potato, chicken or tuna salad and stuff for the adults. She is half Mexican so we have to get a piñata...LOL...Felicia wants to get her either a Barbie Princess or Dora the Explorer piñata. I kinda don't care....she would like either I guess. I am so psyched. She began walking by herself a couple of days ago. She looks sooooo cute. I am trying to see if there is a way for me to upload some of the video I have taken and post it here. We are throwing the party on Sunday the 7th.

My company is having the Xmas party on Friday the 5th. None of the people I know from work are going. But Me and Felicia are...I have to go get a new tie tonight after work and Felicia has to get a pregnant night gown before Friday.... Hopefully it will be cool....the party, not the dress. Also, me and James (my coworker) are planning on getting a translator certification through the Charlotte/Mecklenburg court system so we can beggin making some dough translating for non-English speaking people who have to go to court. Eventually, we want to open our own translation and interpretation business. I would give you more details, but the way we want it different than what you're thinking of and we don't want our idea stolen...hehehe...

well, I guess that's all for today. I will see ya later.

DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA!
That was the main course in our Thanksgiving dinner. But, I do not feel like writing all that shit right now cuz I just returned to work from being out 4 whopping days and the culture shock is still not fully settled in. It will be a long post and I have to have some time to post it...it gets slower at night (not that we have much to do during the day anyway) so I will post it then. For now, I will do last Friday's Friday Five. And they go a little something like this...

1. Do you like to shop? Why or why not?
I like to shop for myself. I hate Xmas shopping and shopping for other people though. I like shopping for myself cuz I'm selfish probably.


2. What was the last thing you purchased?
A mouse for my computer because I smashed the old one against the wall. I left a big ass hole on the wall too. Felicia almost kicked my ass.


3. Do you prefer shopping online or at an actual store? Why?
at an actual store because I like getting what I purchases immediately. Patience is not one of my virtues.


4. Did you get an allowance as a child? How much was it?
Not regularly... I would get money when I asked for it (sometimes) or to buy a snack at school during lunch.


5. What was the last thing you regret purchasing?
The movie Ash Wednesday because my DVD player broke the day I got it a few weeks ago and have not been able to see it.


Ok, that's it for now...I will post everything that happened for the holidays later tonight.

Dyane just walked in a few minutes ago. I went and asked her about the report and guess what?! MY FUCKING SUSPICIONS WERE CORRECT!!!!

She fucking made it up to get back at me....Oh, trust me! IT IS FUCKING ON! She will regret ever crossing me....LOL! I will prank her until she's begging for mercy.

Just like the Friday Five, I found the Wednesday Whatevers

Wednesday Whatevers

1. Who do you feel pity for, and why?
I pity da fool! Abused and neglected children and neglected and abused elderly people. Especially infants.

2. Who do many others feel sorry for, but you don't and why?
Self centered, drug addicted or nervously broke down celebrities.

3. What is the worst thing you have ever done to somebody?
viciously hurt them in retaliation for something they did to me even if their actions were unintentional. (I'm not giving specifics)

Man, I went to sleep really late last night and now I feel like shit.

Anyway, I told Takesha I would let her know last night over the messenger system about the report that was made against me on Friday. But I didn't cuz I didn't see her online so when I walked in to work today, we started talking about it. Well, she's been working here longer than I have and has this program in her computer where she can see all the reports made on a certain program (PROGRAMS ARE HOW THE COMPANIES THAT SUBCONTRACT US RECEIVE THEIR REPORTS, EACH COMPANY HAS THEIR OWN PROGRAM THROUGH WHICH WE SUBMIT THE REPORTS OF UNETHICAL BEHAVIOR WE RECEIVE. WE ARE OUR OWN CLIENT, SO EMPLOYEES WHO WANT TO COMPLAINT OR REPORT UNETHICAL BEHAVIOR ABOUT OUR MANAGEMENT OR EMPLOYEES HAVE TO CALL IN LIKE ANY OTHER REGULAR PERSON). Well we found out that no reports have been filed for Global (my company) in the past month. So we found that as very odd... Then I started thinking about it more and more.... Suddenly, I remembered that on Monday, Brian, our supervisor took the newer people to take their pictures. Let me explain..hehe...Dyane is a rather new employee, she's been here a few months. When we get new employees we take their picture and plaster them on this "Who's Who" type board in the breakroom, pretty kindergarten stuff if you ask me...but hey, whatever tweaks their corporate nipples... Dyane did not want to take the picture. When Brian gathered them all, and escorted them to the door to go take their picture, Dyane hid in her cubicle which is almost right next to mine. I can well see over the cubicles cuz I'm 6'2" so I peeked over to see what was going on. I saw Brian on the door waiting for Dyane and Dyane hiding in her cubicle. I, being the asshole that I am, said outloud "Hey, don't forget Dyane!" so she got out of her cube and went took her picture.

Later we joked about it, she said she ought to kick my ass...LOL. So, Friday she didn't mention the report against me, Monday she didn't either...then, on Tuesday all of a sudden she's very serious and has to talk to me. Tells me about the report. Well, now I am thinking...wait a second, we didn't find any reports made about Global employee's for well over a month. She swears up and down that she submitted the report and there's no way it could have just disappeared. So, now I'm thinking she made the whole thing up to get back at me for calling her name on Monday about the picture. She would do something like that to get back at me. Otherwise, why would she wait until Tuesday to let me know about the report? Oh, but trust me, when she gets here, I will get to the bottom of this...hehe..... If she did this to get me back, OH NO! She just fucked with the wrong person... I AM THE KING OF PRANKS!!! She's not gonna out do me!!!! LOL

Ok, those are my suspisions...I will let you know how things develop later.

Ok, so yesterday I typed this long ass entry on my blog explaining what I did over the weekend, but when I attempted to publish it the freaking thing froze and I lost all my info. So I am not about to sit here and type that shit all over again. We'll just give a quick run through.

Friday we went to Chili's and then to Wild Wing Cafe. I had a bunch of beer and shots. I don't know what the shots were of, but it was an aqua blue bottle and a very dark liquor..almost black. It tasted like black liquorice and a bit of mint. It did not burn, it went down really smooth. Anyway, I had like 5 of those at Chili's plus tons of beer...then at Wild Wing we had some shots of JD and more beer. Needless to say I was soooo fucked up, I couldn't drive home. One because I was really drunk... and two, because Marin and Gene hid my fucking car keys. Felicia was pissed...sorry baby! LOL

I can't remember what I did Saturday....

Sunday we went to a family reunion on Felicia's Mom's side of the family in Waxhaw, NC (If you're not from around here, YES! that town is as small as it sounds). Everybody was really nice, I met her aunts, uncles and cousins and a few strays....hehe...Everybody welcomed us and made us feel good. AND DUDE! There was sooo much fucking food! They had this green bean casserole that kicked ass.

Monday was pretty uneventful...

Which leads us right up to today... Check this out, so I was talking to one of my co-workers named Dyane. She tells me that on Friday the 21st she got a call about me. I am like what the fuck!? Dyane tells me that some dude called on our ethics like to say that I was looking at pornography on the office's computer. Now, I know that I wasn't looking at porn at work because I do that at home! LOL....anyway, I mean, I know I am not dumb enough to be looking at fucking titties at work. Anway, it really didn't bother me that much at first cuz I knew they could check my computer up and down, in and out and whatever...they won't find the least bit of porn in it. But then I started thinking, who would do that? As far as I know, I have no enemies, I get along with everybody... I treat everybody nice and courteous and professionally. So it began gnawing at me...more and more...then me and Dyane started talking about. We have a very good idea who it is. It's this dude name Craig... Craig is this wanna be socialite, compulsive-liar, GQ reading, shallow, bullshitter, always-need-to-be-the-center-of-attention motherfucker, and nosy, this asshole is fucking nosy...I could be talking to Takesha whispering and he would come near us and blatantly ask us: "What are you guys talking about?" I'm like...MOTHERFUCKER, IF I WANTED YOU TO KNOW I WOULD HAVE CALLED YOU OVER TO OUR LITTLE FUCKING HUDDLE...NOOCH!!!

Anyway, the more we talked we realized that on Friday, Serg emailed me these funny pictures that I forwarded to Takesha and Cindy...two of my coworkers that I really trust. Then later that day, I forwarded them to James, who is this guy who I trained with. I know it wasn't James cuz me and James are really cool, we're both from Mexico, the same age, from the same area of the country and we really trust each other. Then I forwarded the pics to Dyane...when I was asking Dyane if she got the pictures, Craig overheard us laughing and giggling loudly. Of course, his fucking nosy self wanted the know what was up. So I decided to forward the pictures to him. These are the pictures....


[sorry about the quality of the pics, but if you want to see them clearer click here]


Now, do you think that's porn???? I don't think so. But anyway, we still don't know for sure if it's him or not. But we're pretty sure. Nobody else would be capable of something that low and fucked up. This little fucking kid is annoying and nobody likes him. AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! This shit is fucked up. The more I think about it the more I get upset. But I did learn a lesson, I should definitely stop trusting people. I mean really, most people are not worth it. My philosophy was always to trust people and then you learn who they are. Now, fuck that! I am not going to trust anyone until they've fully gained my confidence. Man, people like that should be shot and castrated...hehe...

Well, I really needed to vent. But I have a new mission. I will find out and hunt down like a dog whomever made that fucking report. Fortunately, Dyane told me she changed the name on the report and did not fuck me over. Dyane is cool, I can trust her cuz she has trusted me in the past. So, whomever did it, they're about to taste my Aztec/Wetback wrath....I shall find thee and sacrifice thee to Satan.

Ok, bye.

Oh, one more thing....as if anybody noticed, but....the little bloodbar that separated the days is not longer going to be there because I realized that is what was causing my blog to look weird with my new links....Ok, bye.....

Here are today's Friday Five. Enjoy.

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.

• Lose weight (of course)
• find a better job
• mature
• prioritize my life
• conquer the world...Or at least the Fiji islands

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.

• Ana
• Jason Lara from Seattle
• my cousin Carlos
• Jessica Jones
• and Sayonara from Brownsville/Matamoros

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

• be a computer whiz
• speak Japanese
• manage my time properly
• end world hunger, poverty and abusive corruption
• be a better person all together

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).

• Travel!!
• pay off all my debts
• start several businesses
• I wouldn't give money to charity, but I would start my own charities
• Party like it's 1999! LOL

5. List five things you do that help you relax.

• Music
• Weed
• TV
• incense (I love it!)
• and probably porn

That's it....I might not update tonight cuz we're gonna go out and party like it's 1989.