SONEJI'S DOMAIN.

Today, either purposely or not, Felicia hurt me deeply and I have not been able to shake it off yet. Me and James went out last night and I got home late and yes, drunk. She was up and we talked for a few minutes. She didn't let me know if anything was wrong or acted different. Today I read her blog and in it she accused me, AGAIN, of being an out of control alcoholic, a negligent husband and father. When I read it, I couldn't believe it. I would put my hands on fire for her, I try my best to give her and the baby everything they want and need. I treat her with the utmost respect and dignity. She is my world and my reason to exist... I was at a complete loss. I know, for a fact I am not an alcoholic. I drink once per week on Fridays and from time to time I might drink during the week. But never regularly much less daily. I take care of my child and provide her with everything she needs.. I spent time with both of them, I help feed and (sometimes, especially if she has no poop) change her. I stay up with Felicia as late as needed to help her with the baby when she is restless. I play with her and take care of her. I put her to sleep at night bouncing with her on my shoulders to help her get sleepy with an unbearable pain in my lower back due to the bouncing. I spend a lot of time with Felicia. I take her where she wants to. Most weekends we spend it in gay ass women's stores, the mall and shit like that cuz I know that's what she loves. So I do it! I give her everything she wants, I am not afraid to tell her "I love you" or show her my affection in public (in good taste of course). I do everything I can to please and satisfy her... but this is obviously not enough. This is obviously futile and meaningless to her. This is no significance in our lives and I am a fucking out of control alcoholic! I am a fucking negligent spouse and father.... In my wife's eyes...that is all I am..... and it hurts, it really, really hurts. If I was those things, I wouldn't care that she accuses me of that. If I really was I would tell her that I know what I am and she should deal with it. Maybe I should become all those things. That way, if I am going to carry that stigma, I can at least enjoy the pleasure of being an irresponsible, negligent, out of control alcoholic. Maybe that's what I should become... I don't know... I'm fucking confused, hurt, disappointed and I cannot shake it. I cannot get it out of my mind. I do not know what to do to make her happy... Maybe I should just cut ties with he entire world and dedicate my whole existence, every single, living, breathing moment to be by her side. Maybe I should become a hermit and we shouldn't leave the house for anything but the absolute necessary.... That's how her father's family lives anyway... why should she be any different right? Ok, I'm going to stop because now I am getting dangerously close to retaliating and talking shit about her on my blog just outof anger and disappointment and that is the last thing I want to do. When I went home for lunch today she asked me if I was going out today. I simply told her no because one nasty post about me per day in her blog is all I could take. She said the post was not nasty. I told her she called me an out of control alcholic and all that....silence.... then I grabbed the baby and walked in the room. The post is gone now, she erased it... as if that is going to change what happened.

For the first time in my life, I do not look forward to leaving my job and get out. I don't know what to say or do.... I don't want to blow up or be mean... I just don't know what to do....

I hate this.