Anyway, sometimes I feel Felicia is a bit too attached to me. I am very grateful that she is most of the time. I love having her around me, I love the way she makes me feel and the little thing she does for me that she probably thinks I don't notice but I do. I love everything about her. But from time to time I want to be me... just plain me. Not Javier the husband,(yeah, in case you didn't know that is my name, I don't think I've ever mentioned that here) not Javier the father, not Javier the oldest son, not Javier the anything.... Just me! I want to be able to move around freely and not be confined to our little apartment. But, sometimes I feel Felicia doesn't want that. We got in a bit of an argument over it. Nothing major, but I was pissed on Saturday night. God, I hadn't been that pissed in a while. I think a marriage is the strongest bond between a man and a women. And, when you are married you become one with that person. But at the same time, I don't want to lose my individuality. I don't want to be constantly attached to that person. I have my likes and dislikes, I want to go out and not worry about being considered inattentive or negligent (she didn't say that, that's how she makes me feel sometimes). I feel like I am a bad person and a bad husband. But, I know I am not... I know I am not a bad person and I am not a bad husband. I just wish I had a little more personal space... Wheew...! Had to get that out before I bottled it deep inside and having it erupt with the force of a volcano in 20 years.
Anyway, with that out of the way, this weekend, as every other, went by too fast. Saturday we went to Chili's and The Grad (again). It seems like my life is repeating itself every seven days (Groundhog Day anyone?!). But I was broke. Serg had to pay for everything. I hate it when I have to let him pay for everything or Gene too... I feel like such a leech. Anyway, while we were in the grad these Marlboro people came in with a little lap top type thing and made us fill out a survey. In return, they gave us a cool Zippo lighter. Gene smokes Newports so he didn't get one..hehehe. Serg and I want to take them to that place in Concord Mills Mall to get them engraved with something. I already chose my design...
Sunday, we went out to eat to Captain's Galley which is this local seafood place with Felicia's family. I met one of her aunts, her uncle and a cousin. I don't remember any of their names though. They were really nice. We talked and had fun. The baby wanted to walk around so I held her hand and walked with her. After a little while she must have gotten the hang of it cuz she took like 5-6 steps on her own. I jumped! LOL. The only thing really worth mentioning is that I realized I feel very uncomfortable saying grace in public before a meal or doing Christian things in public to please other people. And the reason? Well, because as some of you might already know, I am not Christian. Felicia is a 7th Day Adventist and by default the babies will be too. That's cool. I've also agreed to go to church with her and say grace before a meal but only in the privacy of my own home. I don't want to do it in public the same way any Christian will not attempt to do something un-Christian just to please his or her present company. Does that make sense. Not being a Christian is my belief. People might not agree with it, but it's still my belief. And doing Christian things to please my wife is ok, but I realized I felt very uncomfortable sitting in a public place with a party of 17 saying grace. Then to top it off, we stood in the middle of the parking lot after the meal and held hands in prayer. By then, I was so uncomfortable I wanted to leave. I'm sure it's a beautiful thing to be that open about your beliefs and religion. But I am also that open about me not being Christian. I spoke with Felicia about it, she told me her family was cool about that and I shouldn't worry about it. But I still don't want to offend them. Anyway, I went on a rant on that one...sorry, religion (or lack there of in my case) and spirituality are something I hold to myself and myself only. I don't even share my true spiritual beliefs with my family or wife. It's just that personal to me.
That evening, Ricky, my mom, Felicia, the bean and I went to try this new burrito place near my mom's house. It's called Moe's. It's ok, I didn't really like their burritos and their nacho cheese dip is ok. I wouldn't really frequent it that much. Felicia loves it. I'll take Q-doba any day of the week over Moe's. Ricky didn't like it either.
So, I'm pissed because "we iz broke as hell". Felicia cleans two banks for her dad and he hasn't paid her for the work so it threw our budget way out of whack. I hate this shit. I hate being broke. It pissed me off so bad. But, hopefully we will get the money this week sometime and we can do something.
Well, this got long enough didn't it. I guess that's all for now. Bye.
