SONEJI'S DOMAIN.

So, yesterday I did somethin awful to someone I care about. A little over a year ago I met a girl online. Now, do bear in mind that I've never actually met this person but in the year we've been speaking I have grown to care a lot for her. She's cool and funny and real. And I don't mean real as in she has to act a certain way or say certain things to sound or be cool. She just is. Anyway, I never told her I was married and had a kid. Not becuase I wanted to fuck her or date her. I just found out by experience that if I tell a girl I am married they usually don't want to talk to me. They usually think that all I want to do is try to fuck them and cheat on my wife. Well, that is the reason why I never told her that. Anyway, after a while we were getting along so great and when I spoke with her I had so much fun I didn't want to tell her because I knew that our friendship, or at least the type of friendship we had built up until then would be lost.

So, here's where I REALLY fucked up. After a while I started flirting with her but not in a way where we really meant it. At least that's what I thought. We even, playfuly of course, talked about getting married and having kids. Those were funny conversations we had too...hehe....umm, so anyway.... Yesterday we were talking about it and having a blast. Then I realized she was actually being serious about wanting to get married. Not to me, just findidng someone to get married. Now, this girl is only 20 years old and alreadty is convinced she will never get married due to the few failed frustrated relationships she's had in the past. Anyway, I start telling her she's too young for that and eventually I told her I was married....... fucking idiot...

She tells me how disappointed she is in me and how she is so used to being betrayed. Or course I felt like shit. I tried to explain that my intention was never to fuck or date her. Honestly I never even thought we'd actually met even though we live in the same city. Anyway, it was all futile, she was very disappointed and as you might have guessed, the thing that I tried to avoid happen since the beggining happened. I lost the type of friendship we had, now, we're still friends...but it's never gonna be the same. I've been feeling like a piece of slippery worthless shit since. She was soooo cool to me and all I did was fuckign lie to her.

Then I realized, I have always hurt people....apparently that's what I do best. I don't think I do it in purpose but I do end up hurting people at random. I've alway been good at lying and bending the truth. Since I was a kid, or so my mom tells me. It comes natural, there's very few people in the world I don't lie to. That's Felicia, my wife, My mom and Eugene, my best friend. Although I've hurt them before too.... I remember in college a friend wrote a song called Death Star about me. She had a little local punk band and she saw how I treated people. It took some digging around but I was able to find the copy she gave me. And here it is...Death Star by my good friend Lula, her band was called Circa 2000

I feel like a death star - abused by control -
Grey - without any emotions
Pull me into the right direction - and I will kill you!
I capture a thousand lives
I wait for instructions - I can't wait! I can't wait
Blow me away!

I only destroy to demonstrate my powers
Born to observe the confusion
Your fear is my freedom - and I eat you alive...

My mistakes are too complex for you to understand!
For you to fight...
My mistakes... my mistakes...
I bring the light! I bring the light! I bring the light!
No one survived my shadow - ever!
When I need you - I start protecting you...
My love gives you life
A death star
I am your death star... I am your death star...

And you can't wait to blow me away!
Blow me away!
You can't wait - you can't wait - you can't wait
To blow me away... to blow me away...
A death star...

Cheerie isn't it?? Anyway, the song is actually cool if you like punk. But back to my friend. I realized that I am not the person I was then, cuz then I probably would have tried to fuck her and never told her I was married. But I care now, I really feel like shit. I wish I had never lied to her because I am gonna miss our frienship like fucking hell. Anyway, for whatever is worth.....
I am truly, honestly sorry Char! I did not mean to hurt you