SONEJI'S DOMAIN.

Parenthood can expose you to the most severe and painful tests. It can test your emotional threshold, it can test your ability to stay awake for several days on one or two hours of sleep, it can make you prove to yourself how much of a real man you will be for the rest of your life, it can test your ability to be a role model, it can test your patience, your kindness, selfishness and all of those good things that I was brainwashed with in church. I think, for the most part, I have been able to withstand and pass with a high score all of these tests and others that I've forgotten to mention. I am, in no way claiming to be a perfect father... I mean, I had a peasant, greaser Elvis loving father and a socialite, hip, upscale, Beatles loving mother.... it was a weird mix... but a good one. Now, Fabianna and Larissa have to grow up with a Mexican, agnostic (Albeit, I DO believe in a God), rock loving, nonchalant father and a Black (she hates the term African-American), 7th day Adventist, country and R&B loving, conservative mother. Those girls are going to grow up to be two confused little teenagers... LOL. (I.E. questions they will have to us. To Felicia "Mommy, is Daddy evil because he doesn't go to church or believe in Christ?" and to me "Daddy, is Mommy evil because she listens to Barbara Streisand?". Imagine the dilemma we're going to be caught in... LOL!

Anyway, I got sidetracked again, this morning I think I failed my patience test with Fabianna. This morning I started playing The Devil's Own because I didn't finish watching it last night before I went to sleep. I only had so much time to watch it cuz I woke up late and I had to come to work. Felicia, being the loving wife that she is, cooked me some eggs, toast and other goodies. I sat in the living room cuz I was watching the movie to eat my breakfast. Oh, and bear in mind that Fabi had already ate a whole big ass slice of cheese pizza minutes before this happened. I took one little bite off my eggs and my toast when I saw Fabi grab the salt shaker and dump it all over my food! It was like in slow motion, dude! I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo.................... and then my face just made this look kinda like when you want to fart in public but you don't want anybody to hear you....

I was PISSED! I got up and yelled at her... I told her that she never listens, and that she was a bad and spoiled little girl. I raised my voice and looked at her mean (if that makes sense). I think she immediately noticed that I was really, really mad and I think she knew I was really mad at her. She looked at me and twisted her face but I could see a little fear in her eyes. She looked at me like she had never looked at me before and she just stared.... puzzled. As if she didn't know how to react. Usually when I get mad at her she I don't let her know or I play with her. But today I snapped... I don't know why. Then I walked in our bedroom and she kept following me everywhere... I was still mad and kept telling her to go with her mother but she wouldn't move... she just kept starting at me while I kept ranting and raving how we can never even get through one meal without her doing something. Waving my arms in the air and grabbing my clothes to get in the shower... until Felicia came and got her....

I can still feel her eyes on me and that almost scared puzzled stare.

Does that make me a bad father? Does it mean that I am still a selfish person? Does it mean I am not her role model anymore? I understand and give in to the fact that, more than likely in her teens her role model will be whomever replaces Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, the Bling Bling culture or the gay preppy boy rock bands. I understand that I will eventually not be young, radical, cool or hip enough to hang out with her or even be looked up to in the same way you people look up to P. Diddy or Jay-Z or whatever their fucking real names are. But not right now... Why did I react like that? Were my fucking eggs THAT fucking good?! Was I starving? No.. none of these things... I just wanted to be comfortable... that's it... I blew up on my daughter because I wanted to eat comfortably... Ain't that some fucked up shit? isn't that the most immature thing you've heard? How the fuck do I get upset at my 1 year old daughter cuz she poured salt on my food? I don't know how to feel... I don't know what to do. I feel bad... I feel selfish and I feel that I failed her this morning. I know she wont even remember by the time I see her again tonight... but I will. I will for a long time because I can still see her eyes looking at me in that way. When I told all this to somebody at work they told me "Nobody said it was going to be easy"... who the fuck came up with responses like that????? That is the weakest attempt to console somebody... So I told her, "Yeah... but nobody told me it was going to be excrutiatingly painful either"

Sorry, I had to get that out of my chest..........................................


Friday Five...

If you...

1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
I would fuse my mom's and grandmother's recipes with Felicia's mom's and grandmother's and create the first Mexican/Soul Food joint.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
I would open a head shop

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
A serial novel like Patrick McCabe's Mondo Desperado


4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Sex Ed... Hell Yeah! It would be and all girl reform school too!

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
PUNK!

Stolen (of course) from Char's blog who stole it from someone else who apparently does the best quizzes/lists.

The top 100 movies of all time (bold the ones you've seen and strike out the ones you hate) ,i>I don't agree with the list entirely, but it will have to do:

1. Gone With the Wind (1939)
2. Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)
3. The Sound of Music (1965)
4. E. T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
5. The Ten Commandments (1956)
6. Titanic (1997)
7. Jaws (1975)
8. Doctor Zhivago (1965)
9. The Exorcist (1973)
10. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
11. 101 Dalmatians (1961)
12. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
13. Ben-Hur (1959)
14. Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
15. The Sting (1973)
16. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17. Jurassic Park (1993)
18. The Graduate (1967)
19. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
20. Fantasia (1940)
21. The Godfather (1972)
22. Forrest Gump (1994)
23. Mary Poppins (1964)
24. The Lion King (1994)
25. Grease (1978)
26. Thunderball (1965)
27. The Jungle Book (1967)
28. Sleeping Beauty (1959)
29. Ghostbusters (1984)
30. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
31. Bambi (1942)
32. Independence Day (1996) (I can't stand Will Smith and his dumb pseudo acting)
33. Love Story (1970)
34. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
35. Spider-Man (2002)
36. Home Alone (1990)
37. Pinocchio (1940)
38. Cleopatra (1963)
39. Goldfinger (1964)
40. Airport (1970)
41. American Graffiti (1973)
42. The Robe (1953)
43. Around the World in 80 Days (1956)
44. Blazing Saddles (1974)
45. Batman (1989)
46. The Bells of St. Mary's (1945)
47. The Towering Inferno (1974)
48. National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) (THE BEST!)
49. The Greatest Show on Earth (1952)
50. My Fair Lady (1964)
51. Let's Make Love (1960)
52. Back to the Future (1985) (McFly, MCFLY!!!)
53. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
54. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
55. Superman (1978)
56. Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
57. The Sixth Sense (1999)
58. Finding Nemo (2003)
59. Tootsie (1982)
60. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
61. West Side Story (1961)
62. Lady and the Tramp (1955)
63. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977/1980)
64. Twister (1996)
65. Rocky (1976)
66. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)
67. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
68. The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
69. Men in Black (1997)
70. The Bridge On The River Kwai (1957)
71. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963)
72. Swiss Family Robinson (1960)
73. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
74. M*A*S*H (1970)
75. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
76. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002) (Better than Ep.1)
77. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
78. Aladdin (1992) (THIS ONE ROCKS!)
79. Ghost (1990)
80. Duel in the Sun (1946)
81. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
82. House of Wax (1953)
83. Rear Window (1954)
84. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
85. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
86. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
87. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
88. Sergeant York (1941)
89. Toy Story 2 (1999)
90. Top Gun (1986)
91. Shrek (2001)
92. "Crocodile" Dundee (1986)
93. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
94. Saving Private Ryan (1998) (PERFECT IN EVERY WAY)
95. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (1921)
96. Young Frankenstein (1974)
97. Peter Pan (1953)
98. Gremlins (1984)
99. Monsters, Inc. (2001)
100. Funny Girl (1968) (Barbara Streisand is SATAN!)

*Note- Just because I bolded it and I've seen it doesn't mean I like it but I don't necessarly hate it like the one's I stricked out.