The move was hectic, unorganized, depressing, stressful, unnecessary and a bunch of other negative adjectives I won't get into... just like, it seems, everything else in our life at this moment.
Financially, we're still scraping the bottom of the barrel to get by. We practically live off my mom and my brother (which has stripped me of all self pride both as a man and as a family member which in turn hurled me into this cesspool of agony and depression.)
Lately I've noticed a huge change in my demeanor. Everything that revolves around me seems to be drowning or desecrating. My marriage, my personal life, my work, my family, my daughters, my friends, my sanity... everything is warping, skewing, tugging and pulling in ways I never imagined. This has caused me to become edgier, angrier, less patient with the girls and felicia, more vicious and hurtful towards my peers and friends. Overall, I'm becoming an angry, bitter, self hating middle aged man.
At times, I feel that all this is not worth fighting for... at times it feels like nothing matters because things will never get better. Me and Felicia live in this pathetic bubble, lying to ourselves that things are gonna get better, things will change, it can't be like this forever.... yeah right! Things WON'T Change, THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET BETTER AND IT WILL BE LIKE THIS FOR FUCKING EVER!!!!
We don't have a life, you can't call what we do living... we just float linearly, mostly by instinct or habit in an automaton daze... asked me what I did this weekend, or two days ago... I have no fucking clue!!! I can't tell one day from the other... I can't tell if I am alive or dreaming. Constant struggle to piece my life in chronological order, if for nothing else but to keep a rational account of my own life. Sadly, that's the only constant in my lives right now.
The girls, we love them, I would give my life for them but they are literally driving me, and probably Felicia too, insane. We rarely get to talk to each other much less spend quality time together. We don't have a marriage... we are just two people stuck in a situation. We're constantly arguing too, she probably doesn't see it that way (she never does until I point it out), but I see how we are always getting upset at each other. We're more sensitive to each other's quirks and less attentive to those little things that made us fall in love with each other. Everything seems to be a constant battle of how, where and when to do things. FUCK!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!! We haven't even been married two fucking years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I disgust myself, my life disgusts me, my job digusts me, my demeanor, my lifestyle... everything except for Felicia and the girls disgusts me. I guess this is what they meant when they told me I would fail at life, huh?
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