Well, so many things have happened since I last wrote on here even though it hasn't even been that long ago. I guess I should start with the reason that made me stop wanting to update my blog.
About two or three weeks ago (I try to block out the exact date), we put Fabi to sleep with a little cold. Nothing major, just a runny nose and dry coughing. Before we put her to sleep that night, we gave her some of that Infant's Tylenol (I don't know if this had anything to do with it, but I know we did). When I woke up the following morning Felicia had already gone to work and I had to take the girls to my mom's house. I noticed that she was not being herself... she was weak and didn't really want to play. A few minutes later I noticed that she was breathing rapidly and in short bursts. Her belly went in and out in a weird way. At first I didn't think much of it but as the morning progressed it started getting worse and worse. On our way to our mom's house she just sat on her little chair not saying anything... just breathing in short bursts... by this point I was getting really worried but I had no clue what to do. I kept telling her to take a nap but she just stared at me. When I got to my mom's house I was almost in tears out of frustration and ignorance. I told my mom and she didn't know what to do. I called the pediatrician and they admitted her immediately.
Once the doctor put her on a nebulizer (or whatever they're called) and gave her treatment she was able to control the flare. Nurse Grubbs (the same one I ranted and raved about being the perfect nurse, which I still think she is) deservingly scolded me really bad for not brining her in earlier. She later told me Fabianna was breathing approximately 85 times per minutes and if I had waited a couple of more hours to bring her, she could have gone into respiratory arrest and died. You cannot begin to fathom how much of an impact that comment alone has had in me to this day. I am still surprised at myself that I didn't break down when she told me this.
So, she gave us some medication and we had to buy a nebulizer thingy. After that, trying to make sure she kept the nebulizer mask on was just heartbreaking. After I explained Felicia she had asthma she broke down crying and also fell into a bit of depression for a couple of days. For the first few days I was unable to let anything settle in... I was too busy trying to eliminate her flare (cuz it takes a few days) to really let anything sink in. I was trying to have her put the mask on and make sure she didn't take it off, I had to distract her, play with her, talk to her, do whatever I had not to let this one and a half year old baby take a clunky, uncomfortable mask spewing gas up her mouth and nose off.
hat Thursday though, I remember clearly how I was in my mom's den with Felicia and I had to put the mask on her. She was trying to fight it so I had to pick her up and try to distract her... I guess, at that exact moment it hit... seeing her like that... I couldn't take it anymore. I felt it was so unfair, so fucked up... I became sad and angry at the same time and I had to walk out. I gave Fabi to Felicia and I almost ran out of the house so nobody saw me (cuz I'm that type of macho man... lol).
Outside I was unable to hold a though in my head for more than a mere second. I was trying to make sense of it. I was trying to justify God, yes God, for what he had done to my little daughter. I became more and more upset and I felt spiraling down further and letting my anger just take over. I think I would have lost myself in it if at that exact time, Fabi came outside holding my mom's hand looking for me... she kept saying, "papa, papa". Fuck, I'm a father... At that time, I just turned around and tried to pretend nothing was wrong of course. But since, then, I also haven't questions God why he did what he did to my little daughter... and no, I have no idea what the fuck that means.
Since then, every time I saw her with her mask on I felt horrible... She got better at it as the days progressed. Eventually she sat through a whole session without trying to take it off. She understood what we were doing... she knew how the mask was supposed to fit on her, sometimes the turned the machine on and off herself... not to say that this made it any easier on my emotionally. By Sunday night, the time of her last dose, her flare had died out. I must say thought that, although as I've been told by some people when I tell them about, "it could have been much worse" (NO FUCKING SHIT, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S ANY FORM OF CONFORT YOU FUCKING CUNTRAG?!?!), it was one of the most difficult times of my life... I wasn't able to really sleep or eat that well. But at least, now I know what to do if it happens again.
Ok, I really got choked up while writing that... so I'm gonna talk about something else now.
Let's see... ummm, what else?
Financially we've been doing a little better. We're staring to move in the right path at least. We are paying a lot of the bills, loans and debts so hopefully we will be back on track soon.
Felicia hates Sabal Park now. Our lease is up on September 30 and I told her we were not ready to move she still wanted to. So, today I put in the 30 day notice and lighter a few candles hoping and praying (YES! Praying! Imagine me praying!!!) that we find an apartment in 30 days and that we are able to pay for everything. No turning back now on that aspect, it's do or die... well, maybe not die but do or a damn shelter! LOL.
Oh, we found a babysitter! Her name.. well, we haven't really figured out yet... it's something like Nubliana, Nublialis, Nubliaya or something... but her dad told us to just call her Nublia... most of us just call her, "hey". Anyway, she's this 17-year-old (but actually looks like 15), probably illegal girl from San Luis Potosi. She's very quiet, or so she acts but I don't really think she is. I think she's a little bit spoiled and did not come from a really, really poor family in Mexico. I base this on the way she looks, dresses and her hair (it's died a few different colors, kinda punkish). On her third day on the job she asked Felicia to drop take her to Wal Mart (because I go pick her up at her house and she drops her off) and when they got there, after suspiciously looking around as if for someone, she changed her mind and ask Felicia to take her home. When they got to her house, a guy about her age was waiting for her outside. The funny thing is, she's only been in Charlotte less than two weeks!!!! I think the chick gets around... LOL. She also has the habit of not looking you in the eye... that's weird. She rarely talk to me, she really only answers my questions and that's it. The only time she's asked me something was about Felicia. Now, from what Felicia tells me, she talks to her and my mom at length. She also seems to be very interested in Felicia and what she does at work. I don't know... she's odd.. hehe.
Last Friday I got a final warning at work. Well, I got two reprimands but only one was a final warning. The first one was because I am constantly late to work... I can't seem to make it on time. As a matter of fact, I was 6 minutes late today!! Brian said we'll keep working on it for another 90 days and see what's up. The final was because I alone requeued (for those call center lingo challenged that means I bounced back a call into the telephone system instead of answering it) 20% of the call center's total requeue in the span of 3 months. In case you don't know what that means... it means I AM NOT DOING MY FUCKING JOB!!!!!, lol. Anyway, I think the past few months my life has been a shithole and it really reflected on my job. But now I will try to do better (as if I've never said that before and nothing happened). I am getting tired of typing.
Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... and she's trying to get another one. I don't blame her, I would hate that slave driver company as well. I feel bad for her, I wish she didn't have to work... I wish I could say, fuck it baby, we can live comfortably with my paycheck.. but I can't. I wish she finds something else soon because I don't want her to be there suffering. I don't even work there and I hate it too... lol.
We still haven't been able to do anything nice for our one year anniversary. Although when we have the time and money, I will make it worth her while cuz I already have everything planned and budgeted. She will soooooo give me some that night!!! LOL. On the 25th of this month is my 29th birthday... twentyfuckingnine!!! Jesus F. Christ, what the fuck happened to my life?!
ok bye... I'm tired of typing.
Wednesday Whatevers.
1. Other than identity, do names serve any other purpose?
To strike fear in the heart of the wicked
2. How is slang invented?
How the fuck am I supposed to know?
3. Is it better to loved and lost, or not loved and not hurt? Why?
Not loved and not hurt because if you're as shallow and immature as I am, you would have the rest of your life to be irresponsible.
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