SICK OF IT ALL

Last night The Bean spent the night at my mom's house. Which is to stay, after we put Tati (Fabianna started calling Larissa Tati a few months ago but we're not really sure why. We believe she was trying to say "baby" but couldn't. Anyway, now we all call her Tati and for some reason my mom calls her "Tatiana"... sadly, now I started calling her "Tatiana" too) in her crib to let herself cry to sleep I got a pretty good night's rest. Unfortunately, that made it near impossible for me to get up this morning and since The Bean wasn't around to wake me up, I almost overslept.

I looked around the house and it was, as per usual, trashed. It started depressing me and I wanted to just leave... leave the fucking dump and not come back. I bathed and quickly took Tati and left to my mom's house. I was almost late. I continually borrow money from my mom because sometimes we are really hitting rock bottom financially. Lately, she's really made me feel like shit about. I don't borrow the money to fuck around... I usually borrow it to get food, gas or things for the girls like diapers or something. Although now Felicia is working too, our debts and bills are sucking all our money up the same day we receive it.

Creating the budget for our paychecks this weekend, we already owe all of it (both mines and hers) but approximately $100. WHAT THE FUCK ARE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH $100 FUCKING DOLLARS??????!!!!!! Anyway, that, on top of my mom's shitty comments this morning started off the day poorly.

Work is bearable... same ol' shit. During lunch I go home and all I am able to find this time was a massively can of tuna (in Oil no less!!!!!!) and some crackers. There's my lunch... then I start again, looking around the house and see the fucking shithole we live in... I can't believe we have a toddler and an infant living in that pig's pen. Then on my way to the bathroom in the girl's room I noticed a brand new pair of pumps Felicia bought, at my insistence, a couple of weeks ago.

The shoes had not been worn since they were purchased... just sitting there, next to the tv... brand fucking new. I know last week sometimes she'd told me she wanted to exchange hence she had not wore them. I convinced her that she should keep them because they were not expensive (Payless) and I would buy her another pair this week. She was fine with that. My goal was too see her wear the pair so she can enjoy them and then I could give her another to ALSO enjoy this week. When I saw them this afternoon it bothered me a little bit that she hadn't worn them.

Then later that day I called her on the phone and we started talking. For some idiotic reason, I told her about not wearing the shoes and being a waste of money and we could have used that money to buy other things and blah blah blah... She keeps unapologetic and defensive which only fueled my frustration. She was like she didn't know she had to wear them within a certain time limit and blah blah blah.... (notice my attention to detail when we argue, lol). It isn't about that, it's about ackowleding the fact that she's constantly complaining about not having nice clothes or shoes for work. Then having them, and me trying to encourage her not to return them and buy another so she'd have TWO, yes count them, TWO! nice pairs of shoes, and letting them go to fucking waste!!! That's what bothered me the most.

Then she, I guess, got tired of arguing and said we'd talk later.... I don't want to talk about it anymore, but I know we will after I get home from work... After all, I brought it up, right? SHIT! I am so tired of the way things are right now... I am frustrated with my life as a person, a husband, a father, an employee, a son and a brother... I am just tired and fed up. I want it all to go away sometimes... all of it... just disappear (that reminded me of Home Alone, damn that movie was pure unadulterated shit!)... go away, if only for a few days.... Who needs some weed?!