DUBLIA, OR WHATEVER HER FUCKING NAME IS

Everyday I have to be woken up by the girls usually earlier than I really want to. Then I have to change them, clean them, feed them (if there's food in the house), fix their hair (to the best of my very, very limited abilities) then I have to clean, change and do my hair (again, to the best of my very, very limited abilities). On top of that, I have to pick up Dublia (The babysitter, whose real name is not Dublia and she's told us several times what her name is but it just won't stick. But that's ok because she calls Larissa Melissa) and drive her to my mom's house. It used to not be that big of a problem cuz she used to live in the same complex we did, but since we moved now I have to go the opposite way of my my mom's house into Pineville to pick her up, then drive back into town to my mom's house in Charlotte. All this, on top of Tati's new spoiled level where she cries every morning for the entire process I described above, has created an extremely hectic, fast paced, stressful and unbearable morning routine. By the time I am done and ready to go to work I am emotionally and physiologically exhausted.

Anyway, today, I woke up (well, Tati woke me up) at about 8:30 am and Fabi woke up shortly after. I started getting them ready and decided that I would bathe at my mom's house to save time and things not be so hectic (Fabi tends to give me a hard time when I go in the bathroom to take a shower). Well, I was out of the house by 10 or so. When I get to my mom's I found out she's not there... she's, as per usual, out shopping. So after I waited for a little bit I decided to call her because I hadn't taken a shower or picked up Dublia and it was already almost 11. She told me she'll be there shortly. She ends up showing up about 10 after 11 and by the time I am done showering an changing it's already like 20 til noon.

I try to go to Dublia's and pick her up but by the time I get to Pineville is already like 10 til... Fuck it! I am going to work, I am not gonna be late again. So I go to work and I call her to let her know I won't get her til like 2:30 pm during my break to take her to my mom's.

At 2:30 I park in front of her apartment and she didn't show up. I left and she didn't work today. Here's why I rambled about this, should I pay her for the day because it was me who was unable to pick her up? I mean, she was ready at 11 as she should be. I was the one who couldn't make it. Or should I not pay her cuz she didn't work? Also taken into consideration that I did tell her I was going to pick her up at 2:30 pm and she was not there.

What should I do?

VICIOUS CIRCLE

We finally moved...

The move was hectic, unorganized, depressing, stressful, unnecessary and a bunch of other negative adjectives I won't get into... just like, it seems, everything else in our life at this moment.

Financially, we're still scraping the bottom of the barrel to get by. We practically live off my mom and my brother (which has stripped me of all self pride both as a man and as a family member which in turn hurled me into this cesspool of agony and depression.)

Lately I've noticed a huge change in my demeanor. Everything that revolves around me seems to be drowning or desecrating. My marriage, my personal life, my work, my family, my daughters, my friends, my sanity... everything is warping, skewing, tugging and pulling in ways I never imagined. This has caused me to become edgier, angrier, less patient with the girls and felicia, more vicious and hurtful towards my peers and friends. Overall, I'm becoming an angry, bitter, self hating middle aged man.

At times, I feel that all this is not worth fighting for... at times it feels like nothing matters because things will never get better. Me and Felicia live in this pathetic bubble, lying to ourselves that things are gonna get better, things will change, it can't be like this forever.... yeah right! Things WON'T Change, THEY'RE NOT GONNA GET BETTER AND IT WILL BE LIKE THIS FOR FUCKING EVER!!!!

We don't have a life, you can't call what we do living... we just float linearly, mostly by instinct or habit in an automaton daze... asked me what I did this weekend, or two days ago... I have no fucking clue!!! I can't tell one day from the other... I can't tell if I am alive or dreaming. Constant struggle to piece my life in chronological order, if for nothing else but to keep a rational account of my own life. Sadly, that's the only constant in my lives right now.

The girls, we love them, I would give my life for them but they are literally driving me, and probably Felicia too, insane. We rarely get to talk to each other much less spend quality time together. We don't have a marriage... we are just two people stuck in a situation. We're constantly arguing too, she probably doesn't see it that way (she never does until I point it out), but I see how we are always getting upset at each other. We're more sensitive to each other's quirks and less attentive to those little things that made us fall in love with each other. Everything seems to be a constant battle of how, where and when to do things. FUCK!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!! We haven't even been married two fucking years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I disgust myself, my life disgusts me, my job digusts me, my demeanor, my lifestyle... everything except for Felicia and the girls disgusts me. I guess this is what they meant when they told me I would fail at life, huh?

BLING BLING

Today started off as normal... Then at about 12:15 pm, my supervisor sent me a message to meet him in the "counseling/training" room... I almost shit my pants. I was like OH SHIT!!! I'm fucking fired or something! I couldn't think of why since I had done everything perfect since I got that final warning earlier. Anyway, when I finally go in there he told me that I got a SALARY INCREASE!!!!

I almost shit my pants again!!!!!!!!!! So that made the rest of the day much, much better!!! I was like, Fuck it if I only had potato chips for lunch... I got a pay raise!

Later though, I made a tiny budget of the expenses we have to liquidate by this Friday. With our checks combined, again... we will only have $100 left for food, gas and everything else... depression sunk in again.

When I spoke to Felicia I found myself telling her that I didn't want this anymore, that I was tired of trying, tired of our lives and our financial situation. She tried, futilely, to reassure me that thing were gonna get better and we would eventually champion this situation... yeah... right... we've been saying that for two years... I know I made her feel like shit... I didn't meant to. I took it out on her and all she was trying to do was make me feel better.

I'm sorry baby.

I will try to apologize when I get home and make things better... Well, I guess I should be glad of the pay increase and hopefully this will be the beginning of a new stage in our lives.


1. What is the most humane way to kill an animal?
Eat it

2. When is it acceptable to ignore someone?
When they annoy or piss me off

3. Why do people ask questions when they know the answer already?
Cuz they're blithering idiots

SICK OF IT ALL

Last night The Bean spent the night at my mom's house. Which is to stay, after we put Tati (Fabianna started calling Larissa Tati a few months ago but we're not really sure why. We believe she was trying to say "baby" but couldn't. Anyway, now we all call her Tati and for some reason my mom calls her "Tatiana"... sadly, now I started calling her "Tatiana" too) in her crib to let herself cry to sleep I got a pretty good night's rest. Unfortunately, that made it near impossible for me to get up this morning and since The Bean wasn't around to wake me up, I almost overslept.

I looked around the house and it was, as per usual, trashed. It started depressing me and I wanted to just leave... leave the fucking dump and not come back. I bathed and quickly took Tati and left to my mom's house. I was almost late. I continually borrow money from my mom because sometimes we are really hitting rock bottom financially. Lately, she's really made me feel like shit about. I don't borrow the money to fuck around... I usually borrow it to get food, gas or things for the girls like diapers or something. Although now Felicia is working too, our debts and bills are sucking all our money up the same day we receive it.

Creating the budget for our paychecks this weekend, we already owe all of it (both mines and hers) but approximately $100. WHAT THE FUCK ARE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH $100 FUCKING DOLLARS??????!!!!!! Anyway, that, on top of my mom's shitty comments this morning started off the day poorly.

Work is bearable... same ol' shit. During lunch I go home and all I am able to find this time was a massively can of tuna (in Oil no less!!!!!!) and some crackers. There's my lunch... then I start again, looking around the house and see the fucking shithole we live in... I can't believe we have a toddler and an infant living in that pig's pen. Then on my way to the bathroom in the girl's room I noticed a brand new pair of pumps Felicia bought, at my insistence, a couple of weeks ago.

The shoes had not been worn since they were purchased... just sitting there, next to the tv... brand fucking new. I know last week sometimes she'd told me she wanted to exchange hence she had not wore them. I convinced her that she should keep them because they were not expensive (Payless) and I would buy her another pair this week. She was fine with that. My goal was too see her wear the pair so she can enjoy them and then I could give her another to ALSO enjoy this week. When I saw them this afternoon it bothered me a little bit that she hadn't worn them.

Then later that day I called her on the phone and we started talking. For some idiotic reason, I told her about not wearing the shoes and being a waste of money and we could have used that money to buy other things and blah blah blah... She keeps unapologetic and defensive which only fueled my frustration. She was like she didn't know she had to wear them within a certain time limit and blah blah blah.... (notice my attention to detail when we argue, lol). It isn't about that, it's about ackowleding the fact that she's constantly complaining about not having nice clothes or shoes for work. Then having them, and me trying to encourage her not to return them and buy another so she'd have TWO, yes count them, TWO! nice pairs of shoes, and letting them go to fucking waste!!! That's what bothered me the most.

Then she, I guess, got tired of arguing and said we'd talk later.... I don't want to talk about it anymore, but I know we will after I get home from work... After all, I brought it up, right? SHIT! I am so tired of the way things are right now... I am frustrated with my life as a person, a husband, a father, an employee, a son and a brother... I am just tired and fed up. I want it all to go away sometimes... all of it... just disappear (that reminded me of Home Alone, damn that movie was pure unadulterated shit!)... go away, if only for a few days.... Who needs some weed?!

UNEVENTFUL

Well, Labor day weekend SUCKED ASS!!! On Saturday my family threw a little cook out and I ended up staying up until like 5 am drinking. The following day I had probably the worst hang over I've had in years. I realized it was caused by not going to sleep when I wanted to. At about 4 I told Gene that I wanted to go home but he insisted on going to Steak and Shake. So we did and that's when I realized I don't lose control when I am drunk until I don't want to be awake anymore. Needless to day, I lost it cuz I didn't want to be awake anymore. I threw up all over their bathroom and shit. It was nasty. After I went home I had a restless night and the headache woke me up the following morning. I was able to shake the hangover until late that afternoon. From now on, is on to sleep as soon as my body demands to.

Sunday morning Felicia, my mom, the girls and I went to the Barnyard II Flea Market



We had a really good time, of course, the little-tornado-formerly-known-as-Fabianna came out with a ridiculous amount of toys, clothes and goodies cuz she wouldn't put anything down after she picked it up. I bought a first release, almost mint condition Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack LP for $1!!!



It currently goes for about $30 but I don't think the little Mexican lady selling it knew that. I will go back soon because I saw some other awesome albums there that I want. We also bought a double stroller for the girls and had some good ass NY style pizza. All in all, it was a good day.

Monday, I spent most of the day just lounging around watching TV. For the past few weeks I've been really getting into these two books. One is about a virus that wipes out most of the world's civilization (think The Stand without the whole good against evil shit and more from a scientist's POV or if you don't read think 28 Days Later) and the other is about flying saucers... I kinda just started that one so I'm not too sure what the fuck is going on. The first on is called The Blood Artists and the second one is called Spinners. I don't know why I mentioned this since it really has nothing to do with anything... but at least now you know what I am reading.

We're still looking for an apartment. But since I lost my ID, I have to get a new one before we can go in an visit any of them. Hopefully I will get one tomorrow or the day after.

I guess that's it...

F.T.W.

Hello...

well, I took Fabi to the doctor today. She's doing good but still a little concerned about her asthma. Ms. Grubbs gave her more medication, chewable tables and a nose inhaler.

Ummm... I'm pretty tipsy.

I joined a yahoo group for people who love beer in charlotte...

Donkey Punch

They seem to be as polictically incorrect, ininhibeted as I....

I think I like them already.

Also found an essay on black punks in the U.S. Undergound scene.... I knew abut D.H. Peligo, Poly Styrene, Fishbone and Bad Brains... aside from that... this was all new to me and I consider myself a punk conisseour.

Black Punk

Worked sucked as per usual.

Went out with Serg and my mom to Tres Pesos, a local Mexican food joing with awful service. We discussed old classic Mexican TV comedy shows... I think I will make one of mine infamous lists about that soon. I have a pretty good idea what I want in it..

I guess that's it, My Guiness is getting warm... and I am not European so I like it cold....

ABUR!

(sorry about the spelling, too drunk to care about it)

I THINK I AM BACK....

Ok, you can stop your weeping, "I" is back!

Well, so many things have happened since I last wrote on here even though it hasn't even been that long ago. I guess I should start with the reason that made me stop wanting to update my blog.

About two or three weeks ago (I try to block out the exact date), we put Fabi to sleep with a little cold. Nothing major, just a runny nose and dry coughing. Before we put her to sleep that night, we gave her some of that Infant's Tylenol (I don't know if this had anything to do with it, but I know we did). When I woke up the following morning Felicia had already gone to work and I had to take the girls to my mom's house. I noticed that she was not being herself... she was weak and didn't really want to play. A few minutes later I noticed that she was breathing rapidly and in short bursts. Her belly went in and out in a weird way. At first I didn't think much of it but as the morning progressed it started getting worse and worse. On our way to our mom's house she just sat on her little chair not saying anything... just breathing in short bursts... by this point I was getting really worried but I had no clue what to do. I kept telling her to take a nap but she just stared at me. When I got to my mom's house I was almost in tears out of frustration and ignorance. I told my mom and she didn't know what to do. I called the pediatrician and they admitted her immediately.

Once the doctor put her on a nebulizer (or whatever they're called) and gave her treatment she was able to control the flare. Nurse Grubbs (the same one I ranted and raved about being the perfect nurse, which I still think she is) deservingly scolded me really bad for not brining her in earlier. She later told me Fabianna was breathing approximately 85 times per minutes and if I had waited a couple of more hours to bring her, she could have gone into respiratory arrest and died. You cannot begin to fathom how much of an impact that comment alone has had in me to this day. I am still surprised at myself that I didn't break down when she told me this.

So, she gave us some medication and we had to buy a nebulizer thingy. After that, trying to make sure she kept the nebulizer mask on was just heartbreaking. After I explained Felicia she had asthma she broke down crying and also fell into a bit of depression for a couple of days. For the first few days I was unable to let anything settle in... I was too busy trying to eliminate her flare (cuz it takes a few days) to really let anything sink in. I was trying to have her put the mask on and make sure she didn't take it off, I had to distract her, play with her, talk to her, do whatever I had not to let this one and a half year old baby take a clunky, uncomfortable mask spewing gas up her mouth and nose off.

hat Thursday though, I remember clearly how I was in my mom's den with Felicia and I had to put the mask on her. She was trying to fight it so I had to pick her up and try to distract her... I guess, at that exact moment it hit... seeing her like that... I couldn't take it anymore. I felt it was so unfair, so fucked up... I became sad and angry at the same time and I had to walk out. I gave Fabi to Felicia and I almost ran out of the house so nobody saw me (cuz I'm that type of macho man... lol).

Outside I was unable to hold a though in my head for more than a mere second. I was trying to make sense of it. I was trying to justify God, yes God, for what he had done to my little daughter. I became more and more upset and I felt spiraling down further and letting my anger just take over. I think I would have lost myself in it if at that exact time, Fabi came outside holding my mom's hand looking for me... she kept saying, "papa, papa". Fuck, I'm a father... At that time, I just turned around and tried to pretend nothing was wrong of course. But since, then, I also haven't questions God why he did what he did to my little daughter... and no, I have no idea what the fuck that means.

Since then, every time I saw her with her mask on I felt horrible... She got better at it as the days progressed. Eventually she sat through a whole session without trying to take it off. She understood what we were doing... she knew how the mask was supposed to fit on her, sometimes the turned the machine on and off herself... not to say that this made it any easier on my emotionally. By Sunday night, the time of her last dose, her flare had died out. I must say thought that, although as I've been told by some people when I tell them about, "it could have been much worse" (NO FUCKING SHIT, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S ANY FORM OF CONFORT YOU FUCKING CUNTRAG?!?!), it was one of the most difficult times of my life... I wasn't able to really sleep or eat that well. But at least, now I know what to do if it happens again.

Ok, I really got choked up while writing that... so I'm gonna talk about something else now.

Let's see... ummm, what else?

Financially we've been doing a little better. We're staring to move in the right path at least. We are paying a lot of the bills, loans and debts so hopefully we will be back on track soon.

Felicia hates Sabal Park now. Our lease is up on September 30 and I told her we were not ready to move she still wanted to. So, today I put in the 30 day notice and lighter a few candles hoping and praying (YES! Praying! Imagine me praying!!!) that we find an apartment in 30 days and that we are able to pay for everything. No turning back now on that aspect, it's do or die... well, maybe not die but do or a damn shelter! LOL.

Oh, we found a babysitter! Her name.. well, we haven't really figured out yet... it's something like Nubliana, Nublialis, Nubliaya or something... but her dad told us to just call her Nublia... most of us just call her, "hey". Anyway, she's this 17-year-old (but actually looks like 15), probably illegal girl from San Luis Potosi. She's very quiet, or so she acts but I don't really think she is. I think she's a little bit spoiled and did not come from a really, really poor family in Mexico. I base this on the way she looks, dresses and her hair (it's died a few different colors, kinda punkish). On her third day on the job she asked Felicia to drop take her to Wal Mart (because I go pick her up at her house and she drops her off) and when they got there, after suspiciously looking around as if for someone, she changed her mind and ask Felicia to take her home. When they got to her house, a guy about her age was waiting for her outside. The funny thing is, she's only been in Charlotte less than two weeks!!!! I think the chick gets around... LOL. She also has the habit of not looking you in the eye... that's weird. She rarely talk to me, she really only answers my questions and that's it. The only time she's asked me something was about Felicia. Now, from what Felicia tells me, she talks to her and my mom at length. She also seems to be very interested in Felicia and what she does at work. I don't know... she's odd.. hehe.

Last Friday I got a final warning at work. Well, I got two reprimands but only one was a final warning. The first one was because I am constantly late to work... I can't seem to make it on time. As a matter of fact, I was 6 minutes late today!! Brian said we'll keep working on it for another 90 days and see what's up. The final was because I alone requeued (for those call center lingo challenged that means I bounced back a call into the telephone system instead of answering it) 20% of the call center's total requeue in the span of 3 months. In case you don't know what that means... it means I AM NOT DOING MY FUCKING JOB!!!!!, lol. Anyway, I think the past few months my life has been a shithole and it really reflected on my job. But now I will try to do better (as if I've never said that before and nothing happened). I am getting tired of typing.

Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... Felicia hates her job... and she's trying to get another one. I don't blame her, I would hate that slave driver company as well. I feel bad for her, I wish she didn't have to work... I wish I could say, fuck it baby, we can live comfortably with my paycheck.. but I can't. I wish she finds something else soon because I don't want her to be there suffering. I don't even work there and I hate it too... lol.

We still haven't been able to do anything nice for our one year anniversary. Although when we have the time and money, I will make it worth her while cuz I already have everything planned and budgeted. She will soooooo give me some that night!!! LOL. On the 25th of this month is my 29th birthday... twentyfuckingnine!!! Jesus F. Christ, what the fuck happened to my life?!


ok bye... I'm tired of typing.

Wednesday Whatevers.

1. Other than identity, do names serve any other purpose?
To strike fear in the heart of the wicked

2. How is slang invented?
How the fuck am I supposed to know?

3. Is it better to loved and lost, or not loved and not hurt? Why?
Not loved and not hurt because if you're as shallow and immature as I am, you would have the rest of your life to be irresponsible.