| 10. CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS. |
Director: Bob Clark (1972)
Starring: Alan Ormsby, Valerie Mamches, Anya Ormsby and Jeff Gillen.
A director and 5 actors are on some stupid cursed island. The director has them there to practice witch craft and to play scary tricks on them. He pretends to say a spell that will raise the dead...it ends up working and the dead do rise. Everyone dies and there is no suspense. After the zombies awake they surround the cabin everyone is staying in and they end up killing everyone in like 20 minutes. The movie is 85 minutes long and the first 60 minutes were just damn boring! You get to see some really cool hippies in this movie. We're talking multi-colored-stripped bell bottoms, afros and side burns that you could lose your hands in. As for the zombies something was different in this movie...they were actually smart and could actually move normal. The ending is pretty dumb...after the zombies kill everyone they steal the boat the others used to get to the island and head for the city. Well since this movie was from 1972 and there still hasn't been a sequel I guess it's safe to say the zombies hit an ocean storm on their boat ride and landed on Giligan's Island. Ever wonder what happened to Skipper and Giligan??? Now you know.
| 9. INDEPENDENCE DAY. |
Director: Roland Emmerich (1996)
Starring: Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, Mary McConnell, Randy Quaid, Robert Loggia, Vivica A. Fox, Harry Connick, Jr.
This braindead sci-fi fiasco depicting a Martian attack on Earth has eye-popping visual effects, but when things aren't blowing up on screen, the slow moving, cliché-filled storyline is deadly. Numerous obnoxious celebrity subplots only tend to bog things down. You'll cringe at a miscast Bill Pullman as the President, walking Jewish stereotype Judd Hirsch, and an annoying Jeff Goldblum as the all-knowing scientist whom no one believes until it's too late. If you think you've seen this all before, you're right. It is similar in depth (or lack of it) to any number of Irwin Allen star-packed disaster films of yesteryear. When I saw it on the theatre, there was unintentional audience laughter when a commander orders troops to "fire at Will." Showing their complete incompetence, the filmmakers didn't realize the comic possibilities of that line.
| 8. COOL AS ICE. |
Director: David Kellogg (1991)
Starring: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter and Naomi Campbell
This weak attempt to cash-in on the remaining seconds of Vanilla Ice's 15 minutes of fame came a few months too late to attract much of a crowd. Ice is a wandering rebel on a motorcycle in this cross between "Romeo and Juliet" and "The Wild Ones." When he and his rap posse get stuck in a small town because one of their bikes is "trippin'" (translation: breaks down), he quickly sets out to win the heart of a pretty high school honor student. No doubt about it, the boy has got all the right moves; unfortunately, he's no actor and the script doesn't do him any favors. For example, after he meets his new love's unhip boyfriend, the ghetto talkin', nursery rhymin' rapper spews the following line, "Drop that zero and get with the hero." Dear Abby he's not. The finished product is patently unreleasable, but of course, that didn't stop the marketing geniuses at Universal Pictures from hurling it at theaters nationwide in a desperate attempt to sell a few soundtrack albums. And few they did.
| 7. MARY REILLY. |
Director: Stephen Frears
Starring: Julia Roberts, John Malkovich, Glenn Close and George Cole
Julia Roberts plays Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde's chamber maid and she.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
grunt, grunt... muble muble...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
slobber, slurp...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
huh?! DAMN FELICIA! This piece of shit is still on??
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
that about sums up this movie.
| 6. WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S 1 & 2. |
Director: Ted Kotcheff (1989)
Starring: Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman, Catherine Mary Stewart, Terry Kiser, Don Calfa
Two insurance executives get a rare invitation to a party at their boss's posh beachhouse, but when they arrive they find he's been murdered. In order to keep up appearances, they pretend the dead body is still alive. This funny premise might have made a good 5-minute "Saturday Night Live" sketch, but at a grueling 97 minutes you'll wish you suffered the same fate as Bernie.
Director: Robert Klane (1993)
Starring: Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman, Terry Kiser, Barry Bostwick, Troy Beyer, Tom Wright, Steve James
And they had the nerve to make a fucking sequel!!!!!! These movies are so bad, I can't tell them apart anyway... they only count as one.
| 5. SPICE WORLD. |
Director: Bob Spiers (1997)
Starring: Victoria Adams (Posh Spice), Melanie Brown (Mel B.), Emma Bunton (Baby Spice), Melanie Chisholm (Mel C.), Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice)
"Spice World" is a most inauspicious beginning and end to The Spice Girls' movie-making career. It is a nightmarish 93-minute exercise in futility that seems to take an eternity to end. This devastatingly unfunny day-in-the-life of British pop group The Spice Girls is little more than a scene-for-scene pilfering of old Beatles romps like "A Hard Day's Night" and "Help!." For his part, director Bob Spiers forgoes unimportant things like solid direction, steady editing and coherent dialogue, and instead serves up a warp speed menu of flashy MTV-style images and pointless cameos. Perhaps it's a blessing that much of the attempted dialogue is rendered inaudible by blaring music. In the end, the finished product is dead-on-arrival; a painful movie-going experience along the lines of the 1980 Village People tragedy, "Can't Stop The Music." To call this crap amateurish' would be exceedingly generous. It is really a direct-to-video project lamely masquerading as a major motion picture in order to suck what little allowance money is left from preteen fans' piggy banks.
| 4. GLITTER. |
Director: Vondie Curtis-Hall (2001)
Starring: Mariah Carey, Max Beesley, Da Brat-ta-ta-ta-tat
It's a damn shame that it's too late to yank this atrocity before it was released. "Glitter", like "Spice World", is an excellent example of a movie that deserved to go straight to video - do not pass go, do not collect $200. Unfortunately, it didn't - and there may be unsuspecting Mariah Carey fans out there who actually paid to see this narcissistic, self indulging abomination. I've come to know that even Mariah Carey fans gave up on the hope of taking the film seriously, and were laughing at the parts that were supposed to be touching.
| 3. LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD. |
Director: Rob Spera (2000)
Starring: Warwick Davis, Ice-T, Coolio and a bunch of other people I've never heard of
Yo, yo, yo! All da ho’s and homies in da house, y’all listen up! Is time fo’ slasha an’ horra movies t’ stan’ up an’ represent! Yo here, check dis - s’a slasha horra flick where all da MoFo’s is Token Black Guys! Yeah, boyeee!
Okay, enough of that crap. If the above diatribe of overblown and ridiculous racial stereotyping is up your alley and you’ve just been aching for a horror flick where everyone is “the Token Black Guy” and every other word of dialogue consists of “bitch”, “muthafucka”, and other similar things that I’m just not going to bother repeating here, then Leprechaun In The Hood just may be your pot o’ gold. Needless to say, it’s no work of art, and at times is just a complete mess, but if you can get down with some gangsta hood humor that goes extremely heavy on the stereotypes (but at least has the common decency to make fun of itself), Leprechaun in the Hood hits the mark just often enough to be entertaining for those already hooked on the amazingly durable horror franchise, or for people who have somehow managed to find any sitcom that ever aired on the “WB” network funny. As for anyone else… it’s probably best just to keep as far away as possible from this pile o’ Sheeeeit.
| 2. BRAVO. |
Director: Lorena David (1998)
Starring: Carlos Gallardo, Richard Livingston, Gustavo Ganem, Oscar Castañeda, Maribel Oporto
You might recognize the fragile, sad puppy-eyed Gallardo in Robert Rodriguez’s 1992 indie hit El Mariachi and its offspring. This time, he spends most of this 1998 low-budget action flick chasing down the bad guys clad in a Mariachi outfit, and Oporto resembles Salma Hayek, who appeared in Desperado, director Rodriguez’s sequel to El Mariachi. That said, Bravo pretty much meets one’s expectations for the action genre. The villains are hissably cruel, the bullets fly freely and something explodes every few minutes. The actors all speak English but they have the thickenst most laughable accent that is hard to really pay attention to what they are saying. To tell you the truth it took me three tries to sit through this entire movie without falling asleep or losing so much interest in the dull, flat characters and idiot plot.
| 1. FREDDY GOT FINGERED. |
Director: Tom Green (2001)
Starring: Tom Green, Rip Thorn, Marisa Coughlan, Anthony Michael Hall, etc...
Plot? Why bother getting into it? What story there is serves to connect one piece of stomach churning spectacle from another, and frankly gets in the way more often than not. Let's be honest here: This is the film that will go down in history as the one that features a man manually masturbating two large animals on camera and wearing the freshly skinned carcass of a third. At that point the film could be ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN and the plot would still be rendered moot.
Well, that's it... I know I will hear it from the Mariah Careyites and the WIll Smithsonians.. hehe... But oh well... Ok, I'm tired of typing so I will make more pesudo-witty comments later on.
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