FATHERHOOD

I question my abilities as a father a lot. I don't think I'm a deadbeat father or anything. I don't beat my children or see them as sexual toys like some sick fucks out there. I don't exploit them or sell them for prostitution. But I do constantly question if I am even a relatively good father.

I have a very short temper. When the girls used to be babies I would lose it when they would cry for hours at 3 AM when I had to go to work the following day. Sometimes it frustrates me when they don't pay attention if we're reading or something. The never-ending stream of questions when we're driving around sometimes feel like a power-drill piercing my sanity. I play a lot with them. I read to them, I spend time with them, I watch all the TV shows they watch and learn character names, story lines, etc. (test me!), I take them to the park, I sometimes dress them, put them to sleep, play video games with them, etc. Nothing special... just what a father should do.

I question myself because a lot of times it feels like I should spend more time with them. Or I should be more patient. The past two days Fabianna has absolutely refused to sleep in her room. She says she's scared and cries hysterically. After 30 minutes of trying to calm her down and put her to bed I totally lost it. Out of frustration, I'd had a full day of work with lots of problems, it was getting late and I was ready to sit down and wind down. I was so upset I raised my voice to where I was literally yelling at her and accusing her of doing it on purpose. This obviously made her cry even more and look at me pleading that I let her sleep in our bed. We kept saying no. I kept getting more upset. We told them to lay down and left the room. She kept crying and I could her the fear in her voice. I got even madder. I put her on the corner. I sent her back to bed. She kept crying and asking that we let her sleep in our bed. Felicia finally just stayed in the room with her.

The following day I felt like one of those people who physically and mentally abuse their children. I saw her face, I hear the fear in her voice and this only made me more upset. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just sit with her until she went to bed? Granted, we had already read her a couple of stories and sang to the her earlier. I promised myself that the following night I would stay in the room with them until they were soundly asleep.

This is nothing new to me. I am used to putting them to bed. We read stories, we sing and then I stay a few minutes until they sleep. Felicia used to work very late until recently and I picked them up from daycare, fed them, change them and put them to bed for a good 8 months. Then it came time to put them to bed. They were hyper and were going to bed like an hour past their bedtime because they'd gone out with Felicia and came back kinda late. We tried putting them to bed but they wouldn't go. Fabianna at first didn't act up but as the night progressed she became more and more difficult. She again said she was scared and after an hour (which by now we're looking at 11 PM) I lost it again. Went off again. Yelled at her again. She apologized, she said she couldn't help it... again. This made me even more upset. Finally, I stormed out of the room again and Felicia stayed with them.

Now, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't even begin to fathom what my daughter must have felt when petrified wanted nothing more than her dad to console her and instead was met with anger and accusations of being a bad girl. I am ashamed of myself as a father and as a man. I don't want to be this person. My parents were not like this to me. I love my kids. I would go insane if they are not by my side. I don't know what is happening to me.

Again, just like the day before, I have promised myself never to do this again. The morning after the first night I apologized to Fabi and she apologized back... as if this was her fault. I am going to apologize again tonight and will make sure she has a good night sleep. I will be there for her this time.