OKTOBERFEST (yes, In September... I know, shut up!)

Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it it will be gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It will be like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now.

Charlotte's Oktoberfest is tomorrow and am as happy as a pig in shit. 7 hours of unlimited samples of over 350 of the finest craft brewed beers from across the Southeast and around the world.

GOD HAVE MERCY!!!!!

DR. DAZZLE

Dr. Dazzle: "The offical drink of struggling families of four with one income and an unhealthy impulse-buying disorder!" You'll LOVE IT (or learn to deal with it)

RED BOX

Have you guys seen these?



I've noticed these DVD dispensing machines a few months back but never gave it much of a thought. I mean, after reading that japan has vending machines that dispense used girls' panties it takes something totally radical to impress me. The notion of a DVD dispensing machine was a mere afterthought since I have a Netflix membership and there is a Blockbuster merely 3 building downs. I thought, nothing beats my Netflix! NOTHING! oh, how wrong I was.

So, this monument of consumerism is located right outside our friendly yet overpriced neighborhood Harris Teeter. This particular time we had the girls with us and Fabianna just HAD to notice they had a Bratz and a Barbie DVD right on display. So, like moths to a light bulb (it's moths rights?) we slowly approached the big red box with our fists up in the air in case it tried to attack us. Like every normal family we began sniffing and licking it and probing and kicking and shaking until Felicia had what drunks call a moment of clarity; Let's read the instructions!!! yay, what a concept. Anyway, it proved to be rather easy... almost a point & click structure. But the best part is that every DVD is only $1 a night! When we saw that I had a vision of myself clicking the "cancel membership" button on Netflix's homepage! It was totally awesome!

And don't think they have shitty movies that nobody wants to watch. My initial thought was, "well, how really don't feel like watching Meatballs 4 or Weekend at Bernie's". But again, I was proven wrong. Red Box actually has really good, new flick available!! Some titles include:

Blades of Glory
300
Disturbia (which is what we rented and SUCKED ASS!)
Hot Fuss (which I am getting today!)
Reno 911: Miami
Apocalypto
Ghost Rider
Alpha Dog
Good Shepherd
UFC 69: Shootout

And shitload of other good, recent movies.

Here's another plus! You can sit in the comfort of your home or cubicle cell (as I am doing now) and select a movie. Then, after your parole is up you can swing by your nearest Red Box and pick it up! That's pure fucking genius!

I love this! I think it's a great idea and I hope that, unlike vending machines dispensing Rapsnacks (which is a post unto itself), Red Boxes stick around for years to come. This is the best thing since catfish hushpuppies!!!!

DOGFISH HEAD

I love beer. All kinds, flavors, brewing styles, etc. I just love beer. I want to brew my own beer here soon. I am a member of Charlotte's Creative Loafing Beer Club. It's totally awesome because you get tip off for all these great events that otherwise you'd never know about. Anyway, last night I went to a beer tasting party at Moosehead Tavern hosted by DogFish Head brewery and Brawley's Beverage. Very cool time was had by yours truly. Met a lot of fine folks and shared many a craft beer. It was great, towards the end I was formally invited to join the fabled Charlotte's Brewmasters Association to try and find a brewing buddy.

Anyway, the highlight of the night was pint after pint of fresh hopped brew from the Randalizer! If you don't know what a Randilizer is, it’s a great hoppy invention designed and created by DogFish Head Brewery for use with their hoppy beers. Basically it’s a filter system backwards... with hops! It’s like an instant dry hop. You run your beer thru dry hops before it gets to your glass. The results are amazing!! Some of the best stuff I've ever had. Here's the best part was the aroma of the fresh hops. I didn't know this but throughout the night I was told that hops and weed are someone related. The brew that came from the Randalizer smells just like really good, KB weed! It also tasted like it too! IT WAS FUCKIN' AWESOME! Silky, hoppy, cloudy... man, I am craving some right now.

I think I am going to make my own Randalizer at home. You can pretty much buy all the items in Office Depot. I am gonna make a diary of it here.

FATHERHOOD Pt. 2 & CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD

Well, last night on my way home a coworker called me and told me a group of them would meet at a local Mexican restaurant for a couple of beers. Felicia didn't have a problem with me going so I stopped by. I got home around 9 pm and the girls were still up. When they saw me they jumped all over and we started playing and kissing and hugging. It feels so awesome. But the two previous nights were still haunting me. I didn't know how I was going to take it if the same happened that same night. I mean, it was already 9 pm, 30 minutes past their bedtime. Felicia was in the middle of reading them a book. Fabianna's Pre-K requires we read to her two books every day. We encourage Larissa to participate in that as well. So, we all sat down and finished our two books and baked pizza, etc. Then it was time for bed. Thankfully last night went really, really smooth. All four of us came in the room, I sat next to Fabi's bed and Felicia next to Larissa. We held their hands and Felicia sang until they went to sleep. It took all 10-15 minutes. I still don't know if that's the right thing to do though. I thought you were supposed to ensure they went to sleep on their own.

I don't wanna make this a habit. Yesterday when I went home during lunch Larissa was watching Caillou. As odd as this may seem that show is actually very insightful for parents. They have taught me a thing or two about how to handle the girls under certain circumstances. Well, in this particular episode, as in by some spooky, ironic coincidence, the show was about Caillou being scared shitless to sleep in his own room. Throughout the episode he made his parents get up from bod no less than 10 times. Yet, his parents were, although towards the end a bit visibly upset, caring and understand. I was so ashamed. After I left the house and on my drive to work I kept thinking why couldn't I be more like those parents. It made me think a lot and I only concluded that I am a selfish person. I've always been but I am also trying to work at it. I put my desire to wind down and relax after work in front of my own child's fears and insecurities. I can't allow that to happen ever again. I think things should be ok from now on. Even if they have a hard time going to sleep. I think Caillou's parents just taught me a good lesson.

Oh... here's another weird thing. There's this girl in my organization who is in a wheel chair. I don't know her that well despite that we worked in the same department for like a year a while back. When we talk is just about work when I need something from her department. Well, every now and then I bump in the hear either in a hallway or out in the parking lot. Trust me, with me, chivalry is NOT dead. I am very chivalrous opening doors, pulling chairs, yielding entrance, etc. But with her sometimes it feels weird. I don't want her to think that I pity her or that I think she's incapable of opening a door. But sometimes it feels awkward.

As if that wasn't enough, a lot of times I bump into her while she's getting out of her car in the handicap area. That's when it's REALLY uncomfortable. Like, I see her in the driver's seat pulling her fold-out wheel chair, open it, slide over, close the car door and make her way to the building. I don't know if I should like offer to help or if that would be waaaaay too weird. You know? It's like, it's in my nature to try to help but I also don't want to offend her by giving the impression that I don't think she's capable of doing things on her own. This happened again this morning so I thought I'd bring it up.

FATHERHOOD

I question my abilities as a father a lot. I don't think I'm a deadbeat father or anything. I don't beat my children or see them as sexual toys like some sick fucks out there. I don't exploit them or sell them for prostitution. But I do constantly question if I am even a relatively good father.

I have a very short temper. When the girls used to be babies I would lose it when they would cry for hours at 3 AM when I had to go to work the following day. Sometimes it frustrates me when they don't pay attention if we're reading or something. The never-ending stream of questions when we're driving around sometimes feel like a power-drill piercing my sanity. I play a lot with them. I read to them, I spend time with them, I watch all the TV shows they watch and learn character names, story lines, etc. (test me!), I take them to the park, I sometimes dress them, put them to sleep, play video games with them, etc. Nothing special... just what a father should do.

I question myself because a lot of times it feels like I should spend more time with them. Or I should be more patient. The past two days Fabianna has absolutely refused to sleep in her room. She says she's scared and cries hysterically. After 30 minutes of trying to calm her down and put her to bed I totally lost it. Out of frustration, I'd had a full day of work with lots of problems, it was getting late and I was ready to sit down and wind down. I was so upset I raised my voice to where I was literally yelling at her and accusing her of doing it on purpose. This obviously made her cry even more and look at me pleading that I let her sleep in our bed. We kept saying no. I kept getting more upset. We told them to lay down and left the room. She kept crying and I could her the fear in her voice. I got even madder. I put her on the corner. I sent her back to bed. She kept crying and asking that we let her sleep in our bed. Felicia finally just stayed in the room with her.

The following day I felt like one of those people who physically and mentally abuse their children. I saw her face, I hear the fear in her voice and this only made me more upset. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just sit with her until she went to bed? Granted, we had already read her a couple of stories and sang to the her earlier. I promised myself that the following night I would stay in the room with them until they were soundly asleep.

This is nothing new to me. I am used to putting them to bed. We read stories, we sing and then I stay a few minutes until they sleep. Felicia used to work very late until recently and I picked them up from daycare, fed them, change them and put them to bed for a good 8 months. Then it came time to put them to bed. They were hyper and were going to bed like an hour past their bedtime because they'd gone out with Felicia and came back kinda late. We tried putting them to bed but they wouldn't go. Fabianna at first didn't act up but as the night progressed she became more and more difficult. She again said she was scared and after an hour (which by now we're looking at 11 PM) I lost it again. Went off again. Yelled at her again. She apologized, she said she couldn't help it... again. This made me even more upset. Finally, I stormed out of the room again and Felicia stayed with them.

Now, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't even begin to fathom what my daughter must have felt when petrified wanted nothing more than her dad to console her and instead was met with anger and accusations of being a bad girl. I am ashamed of myself as a father and as a man. I don't want to be this person. My parents were not like this to me. I love my kids. I would go insane if they are not by my side. I don't know what is happening to me.

Again, just like the day before, I have promised myself never to do this again. The morning after the first night I apologized to Fabi and she apologized back... as if this was her fault. I am going to apologize again tonight and will make sure she has a good night sleep. I will be there for her this time.

YET AGAIN

Well, I found my old blog. I had completely forgotten about this. I think I may start writing on this again. This was probably the longest journal I've ever kept and going back to read some of this stuff brought back some incredibly awesome memories and some so not incredibly awesome ones. Obviously many things have changed since I last wrote here. I guess I should slowly start filling in the gaps here and there.

I am still married to my wife Felicia even though we recently went through a very rocky period. After the storm passed, as some may say, we have been happier in our marriage and with each other. The girls are tremendously big! Fabianna, now 4 years old, began PreK last week. She is doing good for the most part but on Monday she struggled a bit with separation anxiety. I think it had to do with the weekend break but Felicia said she did great today. Tati (Larissa) is not going to daycare right now. The last daycare we had, KidsTown was a pretty sour experience. I will go into that later. After a year of struggling with them Felicia pulled the girls from that daycare after a fight with the director. Fabianna started PreK a week later and since we're still struggling parents we've not been able to come up with tuition and first month fee to enroll Larissa into Nova Child Learning Center. Mostly because Felicia recently resigned from her job and we're back to my salary alone to support us.

A couple of months after I stopped writing in this journal I was received a promotion at my job. A year later (almost to the day) I received another promotion. I no longer work at the bottom of the totem pole call center for my company but rather have a white collar, executive, great job! That's awesome. I never thought a fucking kid voted "most-likely-to-ruin-his-life" in high school would end up having a job like this. Now I want more! It's been a weird bumpy ride the past two years.

I really only had two readers in this blog, Ayiana and Nichelle. Ayiana and I fell out hard. We never talked to each other again and it ended up pretty bad. I still talk to Nichelle a lot... well, recently since she graduated and got this great job at Univision we rarely get to talk. I can't think of anybody else who regularly read this dribble.

Well, this is all for today. I'll see what else I can post.